Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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C’mere, I’m thinking of bringing the old doll to Vegas for Valentine’s Day. She gets very turned on watching me playing roulette. Do you think it’s safe now with your man, Scooby Doo, in charge of things in the White House? – Rizla, Hollyhill, my dog starts growling when I say the word ‘Dublin’.

My Conor does the same when I tell him to get down off the couch. It’s amazing what a bit of training can do. I think you should be safe enough. For all of Trump’s talk about keeping dangerous fanatics out of America, he still hasn’t put a ban on Norries.

I must say, l love going to a casino with Conor. He gets so engrossed with losing our life savings that he rarely notices when I run away with a Russian oligarch to his boat out in the bay. Well, actually it was a Lithuanian plumber with a flat in Little Island. You have to lower your expectations when you go to a casino in Cobh.

A’right? Myself and my two mates are flying into Cork this weekend so we can support Scotland in our sexy kilts. Do ya think we’ll be getting much attention from your lovely ladies? – Scott, Edinburgh, people say I look like Spud from Trainspotting.

Who cares as long as you have a Scottish accent. Although I haven’t a clue what they are on about in Trainspotting. I went to the new one last weekend to feast my filthy eyes on Ewan McGregor, and the dialogue reminded me of a debate I went to once in Dungarvan. (The motion was that this house would change its socks more than once a month. It was heavily defeated.)

As for getting attention in your sexy kilts, let’s put it this way. The match is on at 2.30pm so most proper rugby fans will be langers by noon. And as anyone who lives near Cork Con can tell you, a drunk rugby fan will chase anything in a skirt. Forget about attracting women — your main problem will be scaring away the lads.

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling under the influence of a group of Scandinavians in Union Hall. We could hardly move with all the smelly candles in the house before Christmas, when she was into the old hygge. That’s gone now and she’s into a new crack called lagom. What the feck is that, tell me? – Din Joe Din Joe, turn right at Rosscarbery and drive on until you see a man cutting his toenails with a chainsaw

La Gom was what we called our French teacher in school. Lagom, on the other hand, is the Swedish term for just the right amount. It also means I’m going to make a fortune selling self-help books to a shower of eejits. It’s attracting huge interest on the Blackrock Road, because they are mad for the new thing down there.

Wait until they discover Lagom is basically about taking what you need and sharing the rest with others. They’ll ditch it in less time than it takes a Sunday’s Well woman to tell you her grandsons are in Christians. (Three seconds after you meet her.)

I’m from Kinsale. It would be great if you could lay off saying we’re mad for sex down here. It’s attracting all sorts of perverts on Tinder when they look at my profile. So is there any chance you could stop, or maybe pick on someone else? – Paula, Kinsale, I hear they’re like rabbits in Innishannon

Sure what else would they be doing? I’m well aware that West Cork is the randiest place in Munster. (I thought it was the randiest in Ireland until I stopped for petrol in Athlone.) For example, I’m told that Leap is called Leap because, well, you know yourself. I’m sorry to hear about all the perverts on Tinder.

And there was I thinking it was full of men looking for a meaningful relationship. If it helps, I’m happy to say that Kinsale is not full of people looking for a bit on the side. Mainly because they’ve already found it with their friend’s husband, says you.

I’m having panic attacks here over my new white Range Rover. It’s an early 171 C reg, so people will realise I’m driving around in a one-month old car! That’s social hari-kari here on the huge house end of the Douglas Road. People already suspect we have fallen on hard times. Monica from next door completely blanked me yesterday when she was looking at a four grand dress in Brown Thomas. What should I do? – Bláithín, Douglas Road, I have three fur coats.

And no knickers, by all accounts. As for showing off wealth, I hear Posh Cork has gone mad for a new gadget you put on top of your car, that displays your bank balance in real time. It’s about as classy as a Killorglin man with two gold teeth.



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