Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hello old stock. We’re very excited about the new Norwegian Air Cork-to-Boston flights here in Chez Reggie. The only problem is they are expecting the flights to come in at €300 return. Does this mean it will be full of Norries? — Reggie, Blackrock Road, not that I’ve anything against Norries.

As long as you don’t have to sit next to one. Ten minutes after take-off, ye’ll have established he doesn’t know anyone in RCYC and you’ve never eaten Donkey’s Gudge. Talk about a long six hours.

My posh cousin got stuck next to a plumber from Ballyvolane on her way back from Lanzarote last summer. She said it was as awkward as a Castletownbere man at the ballet. For three whole hours, they struggled to find anything in common. Then he turned to her and said, “Wouldn’t you hate to be from Limerick?” They’re friends on Facebook now and everything.

Ciao. What would be a good perfume to get one of my girlfriends for Christmas? — Marco, Venice and Glasheen, I need something that goes well with Irish skin this time of year.

Just buy her a bottle of booze. I’m still sweating prosecco after our Christmas party in The Examiner. And that was last year.

People said it was an unforgettable night. I can’t remember a thing after I was asked to leave by security. All I did was ask Ronan O’Gara to show me his tackle. People have no sense of humour!

Guten tag. I paid my water tax for my house here because I thought it as the right thing to do. Now I hear that the government has abandoned the tax and doesn’t want to give me a refund. What kind of a country is this? — Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig, by the way, what is the Irish word for social climbers?

Glounthaune. A lot of people decided to keep the water tax money and spend it on a new car. (You’ve probably noticed this out in Ballincollig.) Minister Simon Coveney said the money collected so far can’t be refunded, because it was all spent. Mainly on a Government report commissioned to see if people should get a refund. If you do find yourself on the phone to someone in Germany, please don’t mention we’re back at this sort of carry-on again. Word got out the last time and your friends in Berlin took over the country for a few years. It was as embarrassing as a Dunmanway man trying to speak French.

C’mere girl, I haven’t a thing bought for Christmas. I’m dreading going into town. When is the best time for a bit of shopping? — Dowtcha Donie, Blackpool, I have a whole room full of Tanora.

You must have no room for your ferrets. I wouldn’t head into town this weekend. All the bogmen were up yesterday doing their shopping. The council are out scrubbing the streets, but it will be Monday before the smell is entirely gone.

I always find first thing in the morning is the best time for town around Christmas. You mightn’t find anything in the shops, but it’s great fun watching the people in party gear around town, trying to pretend they’re not doing the walk of shame. Say hello if you see me! And don’t mind if I don’t answer back. Like most people in Ballinlough, I have a thing about talking to Norries.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? I’m heading up to Cork for the first time in years because herself wants a frock for Christmas. My plan is to park the car in the suburbs and get the bus in. Is that a good plan? And is the bus still 4p? — Mick Mike Mickey, drive beyond Castletownbere for 20 minutes until everyone is dressed like Bridget and Eamon.

Didn’t you hear the news? The bus has gone up to €2.10, in what you’d call the new money. This has had a huge effect on people who pay to use the bus in Cork. Both of them are disgusted.

The rest of Cork is just flashing their free pass at the driver, before sitting down to bitch about the government not doing a thing for old people. As for parking in the suburbs, please keep away from Ballinlough. It’s not that I have anything against bogmen. It’s that we all have a thing against bogmen. Try Bishopstown instead. Sure half of them crawled up from West Cork, you’ll probably meet a few cousins.

Look, I know you’ve said some nasty things about Killorglin people down the years. But as Christmas time is upon us, do you not think it is about time you buried the hatchet with a few kind words? -Mike, Killorglin

No. (And the same goes for Kilmallock.)


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