Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Myself and the girls from the tennis club are off to New York next week for a shopping trip. I don’t have a question really, I just wanted to boast about it in the Examiner. — Monica, Sundays Well, we all went to Mount Mercy

You’d think they’d have taught you a bit of class. I’m just back from a shopping trip in New York. Some people think it’s classy. I ended up wrestling a woman from Dungarvan to the floor, just to get the last pair of size 10 jeans in Barneys on Madison Avenue.

After all that, I took a closer look and said: “They’re a bit slutty, why don’t you try them on.”

She didn’t seem to mind. I suppose that’s a compliment down in Dungarvan.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand Waterford people. Particularly when they turn up without an interpreter.

C’mere, what’s the story with the Christmas lights in Cork this year. I went into town yesterday, really looking forward to hating them, but it turns out they’re gorgeous. If this keeps up, I’ll run out of things to complain about. What’s going on? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, at least the Glen lost on Sunday

That’s it Donie, look on the bright side. I’m getting a lot of complaints from pleasantly surprised Cork people recently.

A man from Mallow wrote in the other day with an eight-page rant about a lovely meal he had in Midleton, where they had the cheek to only charge him €15. I told him look on the bright side. He lives in Mallow, so it isn’t all good news.

He was straight back with an angry letter, saying that Mallow has a lot of things to offer people travelling up from Cork. I presume he’s talking about the bypass.

Bonjour. I am here now in Ireland with four months, working in IT. Our office party is on Saturday night. People seem very excited about this. What is going on? —Chloe, Paris and Glasheen, I have an amazing body

As long as you don’t have the face to guard it. I run a three-hour course preparing newcomers for their first office party in Cork. It involves watching a video of orangutans chasing each other around in a circle. The real-life party will be worse, but this is the closest I can find.

I’ll be very surprised if you don’t end up at a party in a rented house near Silversprings. I’d be even more surprised if you don’t find a guy called Stinger, lying behind the couch in a Tipperary jersey. You’ll be the first woman he’s ever met who knows how to put on make-up.

He will also be under the impression that French women are easier than Tipp women, even though that isn’t possible. So don’t even consider making eye contact.

Guten tag. I am at a ski resort in Switzerland at the moment. There is a lady in our hotel from Cork who spends all day in the lobby, roaring into the phone about the value of her house in Blackrock. How can I get her to stop? — Gerhard, Berlin, she has some neck

That’s plastic surgery for you. She’s suffering from a syndrome known as PICPOS. That’s Posh In Cork, Poor Overseas. It affects posh Cork types who aren’t used to being around people with more money than themselves. The only way to stop the shouting is to surround her with people from what she would call the lower orders.

My advice is to contact a company called Hire a Norry; they’ll fly out a rapid-response group of people from the northside. The good news is your lady friend will quieten down immediately. The bad news is the Norries will want to tell you about their greyhounds.

How’re oo goin on? The wife’s cousin in Crossbarry is after getting a 55-inch TV, so she wants a bigger one now, or her life will be a total failure. She said we’d get a great saving if we bought on Black Friday. What’s the crack there, tell me? — Paul Dinny Ger, turn right at Dunmanway and keep the windows rolled up

Today is Black Friday. It’s a massive sales event we imported here, so we can be more like the Americans. Because nothing beats having a 44-inch waist and voting for Donald Trump. (He’ll probably bring in a law, changing it to White Friday.)

I might see you in the shop later on because I’ve decided to buy a 55-inch screen for our living room. My Conor said there’s no need, that size doesn’t matter. I said, well you’d have to say that, wouldn’t you? He hasn’t talked to me since. It’s like Christmas has come early!


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