Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo goin’ on? I booked one of those new flights from Cork to New York, through Iceland. This was before your man Trump got into the White House. Do you think a foreigner will be safe there now? — Ger Jer Jerry, turn left at Ballyvourney and try not to make eye contact with the locals

You’ll be grand. Trump doesn’t seem to have anything against slack-jawed bogmen. Mainly because 90 million of them voted for him. As for being mistaken for a Mexican or Muslim, I’d say you’re safe on both counts, Ger Jer Jerry. With the economy tanking after the election, my guess is the New Yorkers will welcome you with open arms. Until you get within three paces and they shout: “Good god man, when was the last time you took a shower?” Don’t say: “What’s a shower?” You don’t want them thinking you’re from Kenmare.

I saw a thing in the paper last week that three out of four Irish parents brag about their children’s professional achievements. Does that sound right to you? — Monica, Sundays Well, my daughter is very high up in Chicago

Did she get trapped in a lift? I pointed out that ‘three out of four boasting parents’ figure to my posh cousin. She said it seems quite low. I said that’s because ‘you spend half your week in Douglas Golf Club’. She said she had to rush off and meet her son, he’s a doctor in CUH. I asked why doesn’t she call it the Regional, like everyone else in Cork over 40. She said she’d die if anyone thought he was in the Regional Tech. I said ‘that’s called CIT now’. She said ‘who cares, it’s not like anyone she knows will ever go there’.

C’mere, herself said she wants to go to one of those Christmas markets in Europe this year. Is there any chance you could bring my dog, JBM, for a walk while I’m away? — Dowcha Donie, Togher, I’ll bring you back some of the local Tanora.

You’re grand. Just bring back a video of you saying: “Achtung, boy, vot is ze name of your Tanora like?” to a stallholder in Cologne. There isn’t enough of that stuff around since they stopped making ’Allo ’Allo!. I’d say you’ll enjoy the markets. Nothing beats spending 30 quid on a gingerbread man because you are out of your mind on mulled wine. My aunt is heading to Germany this year. I asked her why she doesn’t stay put to sample the delights of Christmas in Cork. She said ‘you mean like dodging posh kids collecting for charity and taking four hours to get out of Mahon Point’. I booked a flight to Berlin.

How’re oo goin on? Herself got lucky at the bridge the other night and didn’t she win a new smartphone. Anyway, it has a thing called Google Home, where you basically give it orders in the manner of the way you’d talk to a dog. The problem is that it doesn’t seem to recognise a word that comes out of my mouth. Can you help? — Mick Mike Mickey, keep going beyond Skibbereen until you see a man with a stash of Deasy Lemonade.

Nobody can help. I checked with all the smartphone manufactures and they said they are still having problems with the west Cork accent. They added that they gave up on Kerry in 2012 and asked if people from the Kingdom could stop ringing their support lines to complain, because it’s like getting a phone call from a drunk Labrador. I said ‘that’s a bit unfair — on Labradors’. Then, they said they love my accent. I said ‘I’m from Ballinlough’. They said ‘because you couldn’t afford Ballintemple?’ These tech companies; they know everything.

Hey, my software company writes applications to help giant corporations increase the productivity of child labourers in the Third World. We’re so proud of the work we do there. Anyway, I’m opening an office in Ireland and need to choose between Cork and Galway. I’ve already contacted an agony aunt in Galway called Ask Cliona to get her views. So why do you think I should move to Cork? Lili, Los Angeles, I’ll sue if you spell my name with a y.

Go ahead Lily, we haven’t a bob. My Conor is a sucker for those emails from the former President of Uganda. I feel sorry for poor Cliona, it’s no joke being an agony aunt in Galway. There is no end of material. Unless you like rain, bongos, and beards. (And that’s just the Galway girls.) I know loads of people leave Los Angeles to get away from the smog. Well, that’s nothing on the number of people who leave Galway to get away from the smug. The locals think they’re it.


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