Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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There is a massive luxury yacht in Kinsale harbour this week. Do you know anything about it? PTT – Gerard, Kinsale, I’m on my third wife.

I hope you don’t mean that literally. It must make it very hard to type. I’m not surprised to see a €120m yacht in the harbour. It’s not like it’s the first vulgar display of wealth to be seen in Kinsale. This week. You can charter the yacht for a week if you have a spare €700 grand. There are other things you could buy with that money. Like half a house in Kinsale. Or all of Mallow. Nobody knows who chartered the luxury yacht. My theory is that it is one of the Dublin Bus drivers who won big on the Euromillions. So if you are invited on-board for a spin, make sure to say thanks when he drops you at the pier. It’s the law in Cork. Always thank the bus driver.

Hola girl. I am a Spanish student in Cork for the summer, here to improve my English like. I do be totally allerge to the weather. What would you recommend, like? Paula, Madrid and Cork.

I’d recommend you stop talking to Norries. Otherwise your parents won’t be too impressed. I doubt they shelled out a fortune so you could learn a form of English that is only useful if you want to strike up a conversation with someone at a bus stop in Blackpool.

Your best bet now is to hang around with someone from one of our leafy suburbs. Don’t worry about finding these people. Research shows that within 10 seconds of meeting someone from Sundays Well, they will have mentioned that their son goes to Christians. As for the Irish summer, why else do you think we head for the sun in July? Other than to avoid gangs of Spanish students eating the face off each other on the bus. (No offence.)

How’re oo goin on? Our neighbour down here is an American woman who keeps chickens. I would describe her hair as crazy. Anyway, she invited me over for dinner tomorrow, knowing full well that my missus is in Medjugorje. Do you think I should accept? Mick Dan Bernadette, turn left outside Dunmanway and keep going until you see a man talking to a donkey.

Be careful how you go. It’s dangerous to underestimate Americans with crazy hair. One of them could be president by Christmas. And I’m not talking about Hilary Clinton, even if she could do with a change of hairdresser. I’m sure your wife wouldn’t mind if you headed next door for dinner. She probably went to Medjugorje hoping for a miracle. And then she arrives home to see that you’ve taken up with a Yank. Praise be to blessed Jesus, says she, downloading Tinder on to her phone.

Guten Tag. I have moved to Cork recently for work. My postal address is Mahon, but all my neighbours insist that we live in Blackrock. What is wrong with you people? Joachim, Hamburg and Mahon, my bus this morning was 13 seconds late.

Let’s put it this way. The only reason Cork isn’t awash with gold medals is because they don’t recognise Social Climbing as a sport in the Olympics. A favourite trick here is to order the cheapest item of furniture from Casey’s once a month so your neighbours will see the van outside the door.

Our love of social climbing is why you’ll hear a lot of people saying they live ‘out the Model Farm Road’. Or as it’s known locally, Ballincollig.

Not that there’s anything wrong with Ballincollig. Only 20 years ago, people out there were selling their houses for scrap. Now it’s like Bishopstown, except there are people under the age of 75.

Ciao. I have so many girlfriends that I need to see two of them in the one night. My plan is to have dinner with one on the Coal Quay and drinks with the other at the far end of Oliver Plunkett Street. Then I will tell the first one that I am going to the toilet and run down to the other one. Bellissimo. Is there any place I could have a shower along this route so I don’t smell like a Waterford man? Carlo, Milan and Grange, I have no shame.

I don’t know where you might find a shower. But this is the Irish summer, so you’ll probably get caught in one. If that doesn’t work, just buy a large can of cheap deodorant. This will leave you with a sweet, sweaty fragrance that I like to call Eau du Food Science Student from Clonmel. C’est irresistible.

The only reason Cork isn’t awash with gold medals is because they won’t recognise Social Climbing as a sport in the Olympics


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