Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Alright mate? I appear to have been voted out of Europe by some blokes in Sunderland who probably own racing pigeons. I’m not having that, so I have decided to move to one of your smaller cities in Ireland. I’m thinking Galway or Cork, what would you recommend? - Jeremy, London, I’m quite nice for a posh bloke.

I’d recommend you don’t put Galway in the same category as Cork. Their main industry is busking and they don’t have a ring-road with a tunnel.

There is no local airport, unless you include Shannon, a town in Clare that makes Sunderland look like Monte Carlo. Still, you probably won’t need an airport to return home.

It must be hard to invent a sport, only to discover you are worse at it than an island with the population of Innishannon. And you might have Boris Johnson in charge. He wouldn’t look out of place in Fota Wildlife Park. Swinging from his favourite tree.

Hello old stock. We’re having a lovely summer down here in Crookhaven. This is despite the fact that we lost our Crexit vote, where I proposed we leave Ireland and stop anyone who didn’t go to Pres or Christians from entering the village. You can’t win them all, as I said to my English friend Roger. Anyway, is there any news above in the city? -Hugh, Sunday’s Well and Crookhaven, I’m like mahogany from sailing around in the sun.

All is well here Hugh. This is my favourite time of the year in the city. The trees in full bloom, the sunshine on the river and all the stuck-up langballs like yourself are well out of earshot in West Cork. Best of all, the new development at the Capital Cinema is taking shape. So when you are driving down Washington Street now, it no longer feels like Cork in the 1980s. Or Waterford today.

My sister is getting married in Nice next week. As you can imagine, I’m devastated and not just because her fiancée is from The Glen. (We’re all in shock to be honest. He actually owns a hurley stick.) My problem is, this is the first time she’ll be the centre of attention in my family since I was elected head girl in Scoil Mhuire nearly 15 years ago. Do you have any advice? -Louise, Blackrock Road, how does anyone actually live in a semi- detached house?

I know. The only thing worse would be sharing a house with you. As for your sister’s wedding day, there is no shame doing a Pippa Middleton as long as you don’t have an ass the size of the Lough.

I know it’s beneath you to have anything to do with a Midleton. But at least it isn’t Youghal.

Bonjour. After seeing how your fans behaved here in France, I am planning a trip to Ireland to enjoy your jolly green leprechauns. What would you recommend? -Marie, Lyons, I’m tres sexy for a 44-year-old.

I’d recommend you don’t take the train. When Irishmen put on football jerseys and drink their heads off on a foreign train, we call them fans. When they do it here, we call them scumbags.

To be honest, if a gang of drunk men tried to sing a baby to sleep on a train here, they’d end up with a chicken and stuffing sandwich thrown at their head. Worse still, they could end up being thrown off the train. That mightn’t seem too bad. Until it happens at Limerick Junction. There is only one thing worse than spending time at Limerick Junction. And that’s getting on a train there and ending up in Limerick.

How’re oo’ goin on? I’ve become very friendly with a Polish woman here in the village and I am thinking of inviting her out for a slap-up meal. The only thing I know about wine is that it comes in the colours of Cork and if you mix them, you get rosé. Do you have any hints at all that might make me look like a sophisticated gent? -Ger Mick Gerry, Dunmanway, I’m reading the Karma Sutra in case it all goes to plan.

I’d say there’s no need for the acrobatics. She’ll probably be pleasantly surprised if you have a shower. I just took a look at your Facebook photo there. It might also be worth your while getting some work done on your ear hair.

One of your neighbours is bound to have a strimmer for clearing out weeds. That might just be up to the task. I stress the word might.

‘It must be hard to invent a sport, only to discover you are worse at it than an island with the population of Innishannon. And you might have Boris Johnson in charge. He wouldn’t look out of place in Fota Wildlife Park. Swinging from his favourite tree


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