Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Got a problem? Ask Audrey...

How’re oo goin on? The aunt left us a bit of money when she died and we’re thinking of buying an investment property above in Cork. Where would you recommend? - Din Pat Denis, take the second right after Bantry and head up the hill until you see a man with one shoe.

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

You didn’t mention how much you got from your aunt. But then getting a West Cork person to talk about money is harder than teaching a Waterford man how to play Paper, Scissor, Stone. (No, even if it’s a very sharp blade, it still can’t cut through a rock.) As for investment, a student property is great, as long as you know someone with a power-hose and a bucket of Dettol. My friend rented her place up on Magazine Road to a bunch of science students from Limerick back in 2007. It still smells of Kilmallock. (Think silage mixed with Lynx Africa.)

C’mere, I’m embarrassed even admitting this. But ever since we got beaten by Tipperary in the hurling and football, I’m having trouble in the bedroom department. The wife thinks I’m having an affair. What do you think I should do? - Jerry, the Lough, not my real name.

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

I know it isn’t, Donie. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If your wife thinks you are having an affair, then have an affair. You’re getting the grief either way. Although I don’t fancy your Tinder profile. ‘Donie, Cork, floppy when we lose’. We’re so swiping left. Still, I hear your pain. Losing to Tipperary in the football is like coming second in a swimming race with a stone. My neighbour from Clonmel was straight over for a bit of slagging. She said she wanted to do something new and unusual to mark the occasion. I suggested she could try taking a shower. Haven’t heard from her since.

Hey man. I’m travelling around Ireland in a few weeks and I was thinking of trying to save money by staying in a tent. What do you think I might need? - Jed, San Diego, I’m cooler than you.

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

The main thing you need is to have your head examined. Anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to go camping in Ireland is going to make Donald Trump look like a candidate for Mensa.

There are a number of things you like to hear when you turn over in bed. A gentle splashing sound isn’t one of them. I’m still not over the time I went camping in Crookhaven back in 1987. And not because I was the only one in a two-mile radius who didn’t own a yacht. Although that didn’t help. And neither did I, when someone asked me to move to Barley Cove because I was lowering the tone. The cheek of some people.

My husband has started to complain about my cooking. I’ve tried to explain I don’t have time, between dropping the kids to the crèche for the day and meeting up with my personal trainer, Rodrigo. What do you think I should do? - Lisa, Blackrock, I’m writing this from a very expensive spa resort in Croatia, please tell all my friends.

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

I hear that expensive cooking lessons are all the rage again in posh Cork. What better way to meet rich women like yourself and share tips on cooking ladies who will work below the minimum wage. Say hi to Rodrigo for me.

My spies tell he is more popular with Blackrock women than 20%-off week at your local boob job clinic. In fairness, who wouldn’t want to work up a sweat with a good looking version of Enrique Iglesias.

Ciao. I am looking for a good park in Cork. Here I will show off my tanned skin in the sun and hit on beautiful Cork girls without hopefully getting another barring order. (People can be so touchy. Or not touchy enough, if you know what I mean.) Where is the best park around the Cork area for this sort of hanky panky? - Antonio, Pisa and Patrick’s Hill, I have 14 mirrors in my apartment.

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

I strongly recommend the park in Ballincollig. It’s full of bored yummy mummies who are having trouble adjusting to life in suburbia. Things are so bad that they might even consider some action with a worm like yourself. Fitzgerald Park is the other big park around here. It’s full of Italian women. I stopped and asked a group the other day what made them move to Cork. They said Italian men. So you might want to give that a miss.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If your wife thinks you are having an affair, then have an affair. You’re getting the grief either way


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