Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Like, totes how’s it going? I’m finally getting to bring my white Volkswagen Golf convertible down from Daddy’s house in Ballsbridge so I can use it here in Cork. Where do you think I should go? — Kimmy, Ballsbridge and St Lukes.

Kimmy, you are a D4 princess driving around Cork in a Dublin reg convertible. You will have no shortage of people telling you where to go.

If a loudmouth Dublin snob like yourself wants to be among her own, she should head down towards Baltimore. A quick run-through on local etiquette. People who can’t afford Baltimore in summer usually head for Schull. They take out their insecurity by sneering at people in Ballydehob. Nobody has yet figured out the point of Goleen. And if you drive into Crookhaven in a convertible Golf, people will assume you are a cleaning lady.

My husband Ken got me a nose job for our anniversary. They had a special offer in the clinic when I called in, so I got the boobs done as well. The problem is Ken is meaner than a bank manager in Cavan. Can you think of a good way to tell him? — Rebecca, Douglas, we’re not as well off as we look.

Nobody in Douglas is as well off as they look. I can think of one way that a wife with new boobs could break some awkward news to her husband. But it’s not the kind of thing people expect to read in their Examiner on a Friday morning. Let’s just say you should make sure to pull down the blinds before you give it a go. I hear there has been a huge increase in neighbour-perving since Aldi got in a batch of powerful binoculars. Of course no-one in Douglas would own up to this, because that would mean admitting they shop in Aldi.

Guten Tag. I have been given a big budget to make a TV documentary about Cork. Can you give me a brief outline about where I should shoot it? — Henrietta, Berlin, I hear north Cork is under-rated.

I suspect a lot of people are saying that about north Cork. But they are saying it in a Mitchelstown accent so it’s hard to be sure.

Once you go that far north you are talking rampant cross-breeding with south Tipperary. That’s why they end looking like the Wildlings from Game of Thrones, but with cheaper clothes. You definitely need to visit Kinsale. They just love a foreigner with loads of money.

And then there’s the city. You are never far from a local called Donie who thinks the Lough is on a par with Versailles. Which it would be, if Versailles was a medium-sized duck pond in suburbia. My top tip is to spend time on the northside. I think your German audience would love a show called Das Norries.

How’re oo goin’ on? The missus put us on Airbnb without letting me know. Worse again she headed off to Lourdes and now there’s a Swiss lad staying in our attic who likes looking at owls. Do you have any advice? — Mick Joe Mick, Beara Peninsula, I boiled him an egg for breakfast and it didn’t go at all well.

You need to read my book, How To Run an Irish B&B. It has only two chapters. The first is called, How To Put Triangles Of Toast On The Table While Saying The Word ‘Now!’ The second is called Who Said Anything About Paying Tax? My Conor has banned me from Airbnb after an unfortunate incident with a hunk of meat from Lisbon called Jorge (the unfortunate bit is I got caught.)

So I’m looking for another scam. I was going to take in Spanish students and feed them on cheap mince, but they put a stop to that. Worse luck.

Czesc. Even though it doesn’t feel very hot here in Ireland, I still get sunburned faster than I used at home in Poland. What is the story, like? — Pawel, Ballincollig, my Polish friends in Dublin say I am getting a funny accent.

I’m not surprised, like. Spend an hour around Cork people and you do be talking fierce funny. I hear what you are saying about sunburn. You’ll see a lot of red-faced Irish people around here this summer. Although that’s mainly embarrassment because of the state of our toenails. I saw a man in Garrettstown last week who would have had no problem walking up a tree. Except of course he couldn’t stand up after drinking two litres of own-brand cider. We’re so classy when the sun shines.

You are never far from a local called Donie who thinks the Lough is on a par with Versailles. Which it would be, if Versailles was a medium-sized duck pond in suburbia.


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