Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I’m after booking a house in Schull for June. I just had to tell someone. We’re so rich! Anyway, I don’t want to give the final bedroom to the au pair in case we get visitors. I was thinking of putting her out the back in a small caravan. What do you think? -Veronica, St Lukes, I’m posh as.

I think you’re one of the most considerate yummy mummies in St Lukes.

The girl is lucky she isn’t being told to sleep in a tent. Not that she’ll have any problem sleeping after 14 hours of rearing the kids while you focus on your Prosecco addiction.

Your au pair won’t be the only one delighted that she can entertain midnight visitors in her caravan.

According to my posh cousin who lives up near you in St Lukes, it should suit your husband as well. My posh cousin, she’s fierce for spreading gossip.

Bonjour. I arrive with my family on the ferry this week, on our way to Dingle for a fortnight. I would like to spend a few hours in Cork city on the way. Where is the best place to park? -Pierre, Lyon.

Steer clear of the Park and Ride. It’s full of Dublin people having sex because they take the name very literally. Keep away from the multi-storeys if you value your car.

They tend to attract people up from Kerry who are used to parking in a field. You could always try on-street parking.

As you would expect from a hi-tech hub like Cork, this involves buying a weird scratch card from one of two unmarked shops that you can’t find in time to stop yourself getting clamped. It’s called a parking disc, but it isn’t round.

No, we haven’t figured it our either.

Guten tag. I am holding a BBQ for my work colleagues in Cork this weekend. I am not used to the etiquette around this kind of thing in Ireland. Can you help? -Jurgen, Ballincollig.

Don’t worry about not knowing how to behave when the sun shines. Neither do we. I got a headache walking down Pana on Wednesday.

I’m not saying that Cork people have terrible legs, but there should a bye-law in Cork against shorts.

Anyway, that’s for another day, let’s focus on your BBQ. You are probably used to people arriving on time, bringing enough beer for themselves and not leaving after an hour because someone read on Facebook that there is a better party going on in Ovens.

In which case, you are in for a surprise. And not just because it’s the first time anything good happened in Ovens.

 How’re oo’ goin’ on? The missus is after falling in with a bunch of hippies at her book club in Dunmanway and to cut a long story short, she has decided we should become naturists. That would be skinny dippers to you and me. Where is a good place around Cork to give it a lash? -Din Gerry Padjo, we only recently got a fridge.

I’d be careful about using the term give it a lash. Unless you are talking about the vibrant S&M scene in Macroom.

Which you aren’t.

I checked on the internet and the main spots seem to be in secluded coves around Clonakilty Bay. There’s Clon off my holiday list.

I find it hard enough to talk to hippies when they have their clothes on. A popular spot in Kerry is the strand at Inch.

Appropriate name really, when you consider what might shrink after being exposed to an easterly breeze.

Like totes, how’s it goin’? I never thought a D4 babe like me would fall for a Corkman, but these things happen. He’s 56 with a dodgy knee, but none of that matters because he has a helicopter and a huge yacht. Do you think I’m like totes crazy or what? -Kimmy, Dublin and now Blackrock Road, I just spent a grand on a pair of sunglasses.

I haven’t laughed this much since I heard Limerick was applying to be European Capital of Culture.

Sorry Kimmy, ageing Cork millionaires love nothing better than a posh young one from Dublin 4.

It’s like a trophy and their poor hearing means they can’t tell that you sound like an over-excited pony from New York. It isn’t all bad news.

I know some say you miss out on wild sex when you start seeing an older man. I say that’s not the case anymore thanks to modern technology.

Like Tinder.

Just make sure you don’t get caught by Sugar Daddy.


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