Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hello dear. I’m a widow in my late 70s and I’ve just started to see an 84-year-old man. He said last night that he would like for us to have ‘relations’. How do you think I should handle it? — Maureen, Model Farm Road

This is my second attempt at an answer. The lawyer took one look at the first one and said, “I don’t think that’s what she meant by handle it.” My advice is to handle it in private if possible. (The lawyer is still 50/50 on this new answer.) People don’t like to hear old folks talking about sex in public. It puts them right off their food. The bad news is your man friend will be disappointed if you refuse his kind offer of hanky panky. But the good news is that he’s 84 so he’ll probably forget about it in no time.

C’mere girl, what’s wrong with the weather? It’s sopping down here in Cork, while they are basking in it above in Mayo, which is basically like, Iceland. Do you think I should head up there for my holidays or would I be better off in Garryvoe? — Dowcha Donie, Togher, I genuinely think the Lough is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

I wouldn’t bother Donie. Mayo is like Kerry, except you’ll see more people wearing shoes. My cousin went to a wedding in Westport once and she said that the people up there talk like seagulls. Worse again, they laughed their culchie bottoms off at her Cork accent. And she’s from Ballintemple. Which means she probably sounds like a member of the Royal Family next to you. Say what you will about Garryvoe, but at least you’ll understand what people are saying about you. (Even if it is that you’re a bit of a langer.)

Guten Tag. My parents are coming to visit me here in Cork and I am going to pick them up at the airport. I will not park my car in the set-down area because it is forbidden!!! What other options do I have? — Jurgen, Dortmund and Cork.

Your best bet is to read my bestselling book, You’re In Cork Now Sham, So Get with the Program. Here is my 7-Step Guide to Picking Someone Up at the airport. 1: Park at the set-down area outside arrivals. 2: Turn on your hazard lights. 3: Roll down the window when a security guard arrives and say, “Sorry boy, I thought it would be OK if I turned on my hazards.” 4: Drive away like mad before he gives you a ticket. 5: Go out around the roundabout and you’ll be back outside arrivals in 90 seconds. 6: Turn on your hazards. 7: Repeat.

Like totes, what’s the story babes? My girlfriends are already planning a trip to Boston this Christmas to burn up the credit cards. They’ll go from Dublin but I keep hearing rumours there will be direct flights from Cork by then. Should I wait or would I better off booking a flight from Shannon? — Kimmy, formerly Dublin 4, now St Luke’s, I love the way Cork people say ‘I do be’, totes hilario.

I see that presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, wants to block direct flights from Cork to the States. So there is actually more than one nutter running for the White House. Sure who wouldn’t want a load of Cork people arriving in their country? Try and avoid Shannon if at all possible. The drive up there will just wreck your festive buzz. I always wonder what Buttevant has going for it. The answer arrives 15 minutes up the road. At least it isn’t Charleville.

How’re oo’ going on? The missus wants a new frock so we’re heading to Cork for a couple of days. I’ve heard there is a new crack now called Airbnb, where you can book a room in someone’s house on the old internet. Do you think that would be a good idea for a fella like myself? —Dinny Paddy Andy, we’d be expecting a fry up each morning and to be allowed to watch the news (6 and 9 o’clock).

I’m not sure anyone who uses the word frock should be trying anything new. Still it’s a great way to see how people live their lives in the city. (Largely in fear of visitors from West Cork. It can take months to get rid of the smell of sheep.) Don’t worry about getting what you want from an Airbnb landlord. Just threaten to report them to the Revenue and they’ll probably let you watch Nationwide as well.

I see that presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, wants to block direct flights from Cork to the States. So there is actually more than one nutter running for the White House


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