Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I just put in an order there for a 162 C Range Rover and it got me thinking. It’s hardly fair that I should have to share a registration plate letter with a Norrie driving an 02 C Opel Corsa. Who should I start lobbying to get a separate registration plate for someone from Sunday’s Well (162 SW)? — Marie, Sundays Well, I feel sorry for people in housing estates.

I’d hold tough on the lobbying for a while. The whole political scene is more confused than a Kilmallock man with a Rubik’s Cube. Anyway, there is no need for a separate reg. Not when you can stick ‘I’d rather be in Crook’ sign on your car. That translates as ‘We’re so Loaded.’ Make sure your sign says Crook. Crookhaven is the term used by wannabe nouveau riche outsiders who just bought a yacht. Or as we call them locally, people from Ballincollig.

Guten Tag. When I was on the train down from Dublin recently, half the people took out their phones and sent a text when we reached Mallow. What was that all about? — Jurgen, Dortmund and Hollyhill.

Those were Cork people sending a one-word text to their mother. It said ‘Mallow.’ That’s a signal to leave home and come pick them up, because for some bizarre reason, everywhere in Cork city is 25 minutes from the train station. Cork people still send the text to Mam even if they don’t need a lift because we’re mad for the old traditions. (I still arrange to meet people outside the Munster Arcade.) You probably noticed a great sense of relief in your carriage when the train pulled out of Mallow. Things always look up when the Kerry crowd get off to change train. Mainly because you can finally stop breathing through your mouth. The bang off some of them.

C’mere, I read a thing in the paper recently where a man in Midleton got a bite on the bum from a rat while he was sitting on the jacks. I hope he’s feeling better and all, but is there any chance these East Cork rats could come up to Cork? — Gerry, Farranree, I wouldn’t mind being bitten by one of our own like.

You’re right to worry about contagion. I always get a bit anxious when I see the crowd getting off the bus from Limerick. (I wonder would they mind if we gave them a quick spray?) Don’t worry about rats getting up here from Midleton though. They’ll never get past Glounthaune - that crowd would eat anything. I’ll say this about the bum biting rat in Midleton. Lucky boy. If the rat had bitten someone in Youghal, he’d be the one queuing up in A&E for a tetanus shot.

Story babes? Two of my girls are coming down from Dublin for the Bank Holiday and I want to bring them somewhere that is safe from bogmen. (They tend to lose the run of themselves around us because we’re posher than Made in Chelsea.) Where would you recommend? — Kimmy, Ballsbridge and now St Luke’s, I’m basically like totes British.

The rugby sevens is on in Kinsale this weekend. There will be great food, plenty of booze and no shortage of posh people cheating on their partners. So it’s just like any other weekend in Kinsale really. I hear you on the bogmen front. Nobody wants a guy in a Kerry jersey whispering “What do you tink of the auld Gooch?” into your ear. Unless it’s half two in the morning and the Jamie Dornan look-a-like in the Munster jersey has gone home. In which case, you love the Gooch.

How’re oo going on? Myself and the missus decided to watch Game of Thrones this week, after all the old hullabaloo. There was plenty of nudity and fighting and bodies strewn around the street. It would remind a fella of Puck Fair. Do you think it’s appropriate for ourselves? — Dinny Paul Jerry Mick, go past Glengarriff until you reach a small village where they still use the old money.

It’s inappropriate. One of the main storylines involves a man in love with his sister. That probably plays well in Dungarvan, where I understand they think the show is a documentary. The other main story- line is an army of wild zombies who could arrive at any moment. It reminds me of Munster final day in Cork when Tipperary are playing. You should see the creatures passing my place in Ballinlough. If the Páirc Uí Chaoimh rebuild takes 10 years, it will still be ready too soon.


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