Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Guten tag. Myself and my wife are swingers and we arrive in Cork next week to hopefully spend a nice evening with some local couples. Where is the best place in Cork to find swingers? Karl, Munich, please don’t make another cheap joke about Kinsale.

My solicitor won’t let me. And trust me, there is nothing cheap about Kinsale. I hear the swinger scene is pretty lively in Cork city now. Mainly because a lot of people have moved here from a nearby seaside resort which is famous for its restaurants.

I’ll say no more on that front. I hear that local swingers prefer to have a bottle of wine before they get down to business.

You don’t want the word going around town that you are into sober sex. That’s just disgusting. People might think you are from you know where.

(Turn right when you are coming out of the airport, in case you are wondering.)

Hey man. I’m like visiting Dublin next month with my girlfriend and we’ve got a few days to burn before we head to Berlin. I’ve heard Galway is like, almost as cool as I am. Do you think I’d enjoy it there, or would I be better off in Cork? Edgar, San Francisco, I’m so laid back that I often fall asleep in the middle of

I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of your long, drawn out question. My advice is head west.

You strike me as someone with a ridiculously inflated opinion of himself. So you already have something in common with Galway people. That said, you sound like one of those bearded Yanks with an unhealthy interest in artisan food, in which case I would definitely recommend Cork. Galway doesn’t have much on the food front, unless you like oysters and Supermacs.

C’mere, I’m mad into EastEnders these days, Phil keeps losing the rag. Why don’t we have a soap opera about life here in Cork? Jerry, I’m so into Cork that my son’s middle name is Tanora.

I hear you Jerry. I am currently developing a series called Norries. It’s about salt of the earth Cork people in Farranree who dream of one day moving to Ballinlough. (God forbid.) I made a short pilot for RTÉ, but they said they couldn’t understand a word anyone was saying.

I said now you know how I feel watching Fair City. Anyway, I have changed the name to Southsiders. It’s about a small estate in Blackrock where everyone is a back-stabbing social climber.

RTÉ said they’re not interested in another soap. I said no problem, this is a documentary.

How’re oo goin on? I’m chatting to this one on the Tinder over the past few days and we have a date tonight. I’m meeting her outside Brown Thomas above in Cork at 8pm. The lads in the pub are gone mad with the envy. She’s a gorgeous 23-year -old with an incredible body. I’m 48 with an incredible collection of bellies. Do you think I should dress up, for the days that’s in it? Ger Mary Mick, head south from Kenmare until you see the women start to look like men.

Your problem, Ger Mary Mick, is the day that’s in it. It’s called Fool’s Day. And I don’t think your date is going to turn up.

I hear this a common problem now on the 1st of April. Cork girls are luring poor culchies like yourself up to town, and ye all end up in a big gang on Patrick’s Street at eight o’clock. I think that’s terrible.

The smell around there is awful for days. (No offence.)

Like, totes, what is the story babes? My boss here in Dublin said he is sending me to the Cork office for three months. What did I ever do to him? (I better not say, he’s married!) Anyway, no problemo, I’ll just wear clothes from 2014 and I’m sure I’ll fit in. What else should a south county Dublin princess (I so am!) know about life out on the bog? Kim, Killiney, I’ve dated half the Irish rugby team.

You mean Paul O’Connell. Now that he’s gone, it’s clear he was half the Irish rugby team.

Anyway, how to fit in on Leeside, here are two things you should know about Cork. We are the snobbiest, most pass remarkable people in the world. And we hate snobby, pass remarkable people.

So we go around pissed off with ourselves all the time. If nothing else, that explains Ronan O’Gara and Roy Keane.


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