Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Come here like, who did ye pay to have Inchydoney named the TripAdvisor Favourite Beach in Ireland, ahead of all the beautiful places we have below here in the Kingdom? — Ed Ned Ted, Killorglin, gutted like.

We didn’t have to pay anyone, Ed Ned Ted. Apparently the judges take a dim view of any place where more than 50% of the people have a monobrow. So that was always going to push Kerry beaches down the list. They also take a dim view of any place where the locals sound like they are stark raving mad. So that was Donegal out of the mix. I have to say we were all surprised to see that Portmarnock beach in Dublin made it to the top 10. I was there last year with my Conor. The waves were about as substantial as the Killorglin Book of Knowledge. No offence, obviously.

We had a fourth birthday bash for our Nath the other day. (Cost well into the five figures.) Anyway this child came out at one stage and asked for a biscuit! What did he think I am, a drug dealer? It turns out his name was Jerry. He’s not even called Isaac, Jack or Zach! Anyway, I told him I’d give him a packet of Custard Creams if he never talked to Nath again. Do you think I might have over reacted? — Jenny, Douglas, my new boobs are worth more than your entire area.

Your new boobs must be amazing. Prices around Ballinlough are shooting up, thank you very much. I’m not sure if I’d call it an over-reaction. I think you were just mean. You could at least have stretched to a box of Elite Tea Cakes. Although I suppose people in Douglas didn’t get where they are today by handing out money to less welloffs around town.

How’re oo goin on? I’m up in Cork with herself to mind the grandchild for the week. I went down to a supermarket to buy a few beers and the place was full of drinks like Bishop’s Arse and Hangman’s Mickey. When I eventually found a few cans of Murphs, the young fella at the counter sneered at me from out behind his half a beard. What’s the crack there like? — Tim Tom Tina, turn left outside of Dunmanway and immediately wish you hadn’t.

The crack is that you’re out of touch. Even for someone from Dunmanway. Everyone under 30 in Cork is a hipster now and sports a beard. (It actually looks quite nice on some of the women.) Bishop’s Arse is what’s known as a craft beer. Or English ale we used to laugh at 10 years ago, until they found a sneaky new way to sell it to us anyway. (You won’t find that on the bottle.)

Hello old stock. Myself and the lads are flying over to London on Saturday morning for the match in Twickers. I’m worried sick that I’ll have a repeat of the flight we endured two years ago. I ended up sitting next to a fella called Donie in an Arsenal shirt, who kept talking about something called pitch and putt. Do you know how I might avoid a repeat performance? — Hugo, Douglas, I’ve never been to Páirc Uí Chaoimh.

I get a lot of letters from concerned snobs like yourself. I know that flying is a minefield because they’ll let anyone up in a plane these days. Apparently, you can’t even hide at the exclusive departure lounges at the airports. My posh cousin went into one last summer to get away from the Norries. She found a hen party doing something unmentionable with a bag of peanuts. She still struggles to talk about it.

Bonjour. I have been living in Cork now for six months, using the bus to get around the place. I can’t help noticing that people behave differently on different buses, chatting on some and not on others. What is the story there, girl? —Laura, Lille and St Lukes, I’m starting to talk funny.

I’ll send you out my pamphlet, Never Act the Norry on a Posh Bus. If you are on the 6, 7, 8 or 15, and on the southside, things are straightforward. You should only talk to the person next to you if you want to tell them how much you earn.

(The number 2 doesn’t figure because Blackrock people are afraid of the bus.) If you are on any other service in the city, you must talk to everyone else in the bus or they will think you are up yourself or from Dublin. These usually amount to the same thing. Bon chance.

The judges take a dim view of any place where more than 50% of the people have a monobrow. So that was always going to push Kerry beaches down the list


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