Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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C’mere, somebody told me the other day that black pudding is some kind of superfood now. Obviously I’m going to stop eating it because I don’t want people to think I’m a hippy or from Dublin, like. What do you think I should eat instead to show that I’m totally from Cork? — ‘Dowcha’ Donie, Blackpool (the one on the northside, not the one in England, do you know what I mean?)

I hear that bodice is still popular with people who lost their taste buds in an all-night poker game. Here is my favourite recipe for bodice. 1: Boil on a low heat for four hours. 2: Get a fit of the gawks because the smell would remind you of that man from Dungarvan who sat beside you on the bus. 3: Eat it anyway while belting out ‘The Boys of Fairhill’, because Cork people can be slow to admit they are wrong. 4: Get another fit of the gawks.

Ciao. I went into town the other night to try and get off with every woman in town. (It’s no joke being Italian.) I took a taxi and asked the driver to drop me off on Pembroke Street. He had no idea what I was talking about and we ended up driving around for 10 minutes. That’s 10 minutes when I could have been sidling up to groups of Cork women, trying to identify the most desperate one. Why did the taxi driver not know where he was going? — Marco, Milan, and Skehard Road, I’m free for an hour on Tuesday.

Let me give you a quick lesson on directions around Cork. The correct name for Pembroke Street is ‘Down the Side of D’Imperial.’ Also, the foot bridge from the Grand Parade and Sullivan’s Quay is called ‘The foot bridge from the Grand Parade to Sullivan’s Quay.’ The good news is I’m free for an hour on Tuesday. The bad news is I’d rather attend an evening of local culture in Kilmallock than spend an hour with you.

We’re just looking up holidays here in one of our three living rooms. I don’t want to fly direct from Cork after last year, because I just kept bumping into people from my class in college when I was studying Law (Hons). Do you think it would be worth driving up to Dublin in Reggie’s top-of-the-range Lexus and flying out from there? — Annette, Douglas Road, my handbag is worth more than your house.

Whatever you do, don’t get the bus to Dublin. My posh sister did that last year and ended up sitting behind a family who never stopped talking about Celebrity Big Brother. She’s still not over it. I know a lot of Cork snobs are choosing to fly out of Dublin to steer clear of the norries. Only to arrive at the departures gate above and find a family in matching tracksuits screaming, “It’s never too early to get stuck into the gargle, wha’!!” I find the Dublin norries take it to a whole new level.

How’re oo going on? Herself is after finding this new thing now called Netflix. It’s like the telly, but there’s no Miriam O’Callaghan. Anyway, she has us watching this show from America called Making a Murderer. ’Tis more addictive than those Scots Clan toffees. Do you have any idea how it ends? —Ed Ted Ned, keep driving beyond Dunmanway until you start to get funny looks.

I’m not going to reveal how it ends. The last thing I need is a mob of angry telly nerds outside my house shouting ‘Death to the Spoiler Witch’. They still haven’t forgiven me for revealing who killed your one Lucy on EastEnders. Making a Murderer is a great show really. It’s full of badly dressed, backward country people with hilarious accents. You’d nearly have to remind yourself you’re not watching a documentary set in Killorglin.

Hello old stock. I’ve decided to stop following the Munster rugby team. It isn’t the same since we started losing and I find a lot of the new fans work with their hands. So would anyone like to buy a Munster jersey? — Jim, Model Farm Road, I didn’t get where I am today by passing up an opportunity for a free ad. (PS I can get Ronan O’Gara to sign it for an extra tenner.)

If I gave you €20, could you persuade Ronan to come back and play? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Cork is awash with Munster jerseys for sale. I’m not surprised. Who in their right minds would want to travel up to Limerick on a regular basis? Unless it’s for charity and you’ve volunteered to give them elocution lessons. It’s important to help out those less fortunate than ourselves.

I don’t want to fly direct from Cork after last year, because I just kept bumping into people from my class in college when I was studying Law (Hons)


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