Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Ciao. I bought an Irish rugby jersey last month so I could meet rich girls here in Cork. Thanks to Argentina, it is now as popular as a soap shop in Clonmel. Will I attract the ladies if I wear this jersey during the play-off football matches against Bosnia? –– Marco, Venice and Turners Cross.

You might attract a few ladies, but they won’t have any money. It’s well-known that Douglas and Blackrock ladies tend to steer clear of pubs when the Irish soccer team is playing. They don’t want to take the chance that Ireland score and they end up hugging a northsider in the confusion. Your best bet now is to invest in a Munster rugby jersey. That should get you plenty of action until they are knocked out of the European Champions Cup by some French crowd with loads of money. At which point you can start wearing it to GAA matches. Red. It’s the colour that keeps on giving here in Cork.

The guys and I are planning a trip down to Cork for the Bank Holiday weekend. We have, like, so never been to Cork before, because why bother with Dublin on the doorstep. My question is this - are you like all complete boggers? –– Christian, Dublin 4, I was born here but I feel British.

Not all of us. You will still find students in Tipperary jerseys who wipe their noses with their hands. But the rest of us are quite civilised. (One or two of us even go into the Crawford Art Gallery when it isn’t raining. Very intellectual.) Obviously, Christian, you will want to hang out in a place where people boast about their wealth in a ridiculous sounding accent. Or as it’s known locally, Kinsale. I’d also strongly recommend a visit to the observatory in Blackrock Castle. You could see some amazing sights down there. If you ever bothered to take your head out of your arse.

I picked up the Examiner the other day and read that CBC won a Munster hurling match in something called the Harty Cup. (That sounds like a café in Millstreet.) What’s the point in paying to send my Oisín to Christians if they are going to make him play a sport enjoyed by muck savages and people who never flew first class to Dubai? –– Hilary, Montenotte, (don’t doubt for a moment that I’m looking down at you).

It’s terrible Hilary. Before you know it, they’ll be introducing racing pigeons over at Pres. Some people say that rugby is the best way to mingle with a nice respectable class of person. I say that most of the matches are in Limerick! It’s not exactly Oxford, is it? Read a couple of John Grisham books up in Limerick and they’ll start calling you Professor.

Do you know if Aldi got their skiing gear in yet this year? We’re going to St Moritz as usual this winter but we’re trying to save some money because Rory had a misunderstanding with the revenue. –– Yvonne, Ovens (Not my real name. And you don’t honestly think I’d live in Ovens?)

I love Aldi at this time of the year. All the au pairs rummaging through the skiing gear on behalf of their “I’m not going in there!” Yummy Mummy employers. You and your friends waiting for them outside in your Range Rovers, wondering if said au pair is sleeping with your husband. (No, but not for want of trying on his part according to what I’ve heard, ‘Yvonne’.) News just in. It’s actually OK for people with holiday homes in Schull to shop in Aldi, as long as they are seen to buy a bottle of wine for over €20. Just don’t buy ten bottles. You don’t want the word going around ‘Ovens’ that ‘Rory’ is spending big again after his thing with the revenue. (BTW, hi Daphne, we all know it’s you.)

How’re oo going on? I’ve decided to stop listening to Irish Country Music. There’s only so many times I can hear a fella complaining about how things were grand before Maura left him for a furniture-removal man from Banteer. Ye have the jazz above in Cork this weekend. Is it worth a listen? ––Ger Din Danny Din Ger, a fair bit past the turn-off for Dunmanway.

I always say that jazz music brings something rare and beautiful to pubs across Cork. An extension, Daddio. (I’m going to call you Daddio because it’s jazzy and by the time I type out your full name, it will be Christmas.) Don’t mind the people who say our jazz festival is mainly folk bands singing When the Saints go Marching In for the weekend that’s in it. The people who say that are just bitter and possibly from Waterford (there’s a link there).

It’s well-known that Douglas and Blackrock ladies tend to steer clear of pubs when the Irish soccer team is playing. They don’t want to take the chance that Ireland score and they end up hugging a northsider in the confusion


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