Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Got an issue? Ask Audrey...

How’re oo going on? I was thinking of trying something different with the missus the next time we stay above in Cork. Asian Street Food. What’s the story there? — Mick Dan Paddy Andy, a fair bit outside Castletownbere.

Phew. Most of the letters I get from West Cork about “trying something new with the missus” involve handcuffs and a Brad Pitt mask. I couldn’t begin to describe the nightmares. Asian Street Food is an answer to the question, “how can I get people to pay a tenner for a bowl of soup?” This isn’t like where you go into a restaurant, Mick Dan Paddy Andy, and ask what’s the soup, and the waitress replies vegetable and you say grand. This soup has noodles in it and is therefore a sign of sophistication. Unless you try and eat it with chopsticks and they’ll be bussing people in from Vietnam to laugh in your face. It happened to a man from Skibbereen only last week.

The greetings of the saints of auld Ireland to you. I see that a Norwegian airline is starting flights from my home town Boston into Cork. I have relations in Mitchelstown. Is it worth a visit? — Hank ‘Shamrock’ McReillyMurphy, Boston.

I had relations in Mitchelstown once. With a farmer’s son from Fermoy. You should have seen the size of his hands. Do you know what people love most about Mitchelstown? Driving past it at 130km/h shouting “at least Fianna Fáil did one good thing for us during the boom”. (Km stands for kilometres, Hank. It’s like miles for cool people. Fianna Fáil is a political party that nearly bankrupted the country in 2008. We’ll elect them as a government again soon because they built some grand roads.) But look, we’re delighted to see the Yanks flying directly into Cork. It was terrible to see the Clare and Limerick crowd fleecing ye when ye flew into Shannon. Now it’s our turn. Ker-ching, Hank. Ker-ching.

I was caught in a rain shower in town during the week and dived into a shop door for some shelter. Unfortunately it was one of those awful eurosaver places for people without holiday homes in Crookhaven. Worse again, my neighbour captured it on her phone as she drove by in her new Range Rover. The video is after going viral around Kinsale. What can I do? — Sorcha, Kinsale (I’ve lost more change in my car than you earn in a month).

You can cause a distraction. Now might be the time to release your sex video. (There’s no point in denying you have one. You already said you are from Kinsale.) Some grainy shots of you getting jiggy with it is nothing compared to the embarrassment of people knowing you bought six egg cups for a euro. Particularly if you make the video in Hayfield Manor. Never miss a chance to flash your wealth, Sorcha. That’s the golden rule.

I had a bit of free time last week, so I went to Cobh to look at the new statue of Sonia O’Sullivan. Do you have any idea why they decided to show her in the nip? — Kevin, Gardiner’s Hill

Cutbacks. Apparently the price of bronze has gone mad and they couldn’t afford the price of a vest. Simon Coveney said he’d try and scrape together some money over in Brussels. I couldn’t find any photos of the unveiling online. All I could see was Sonia standing next to a statue of a topless guy in bronze knickers. It reminded me of the guy they had serving drinks at my niece’s stag in Barcelona. Now that’s what I call a nightclub. Sorry for going off on a daydream there. Not that you’ll notice, Kevin. After all, you left Cork City and went to Cobh of your own free will. So you’re clearly for the birds.

Guten tag. I am a German football fan coming to Dublin for the match next week. What can you tell me about your capital city? — Ulrich, Dortmund.

The locals are known as Dubs. Or very often, Deco. The city is divided in two by the River Liffey. The northside has been described be some people as being more real, which is another way of saying ‘watch your handbag’. The match is taking place in the richest part of town, Dublin 4. 97% of the inhabitants of D4 are Cork people who spend every last euro on rent to impress their Mams. Walk around town after the match and indulge in that favourite local past-time, ‘Dodge the Junky.’ Then, wind up the perfect evening in one of Dublin’s famous pubs. It’s a great way to spend a few hours. Not to mention €50 on three pints of Guinness. They love the gouging above in Dublin.

Wind up the perfect evening in one of Dublin’s famous pubs. It’s a great way to spend a few hours. Not to mention €50 on three pints of Guinness. They love the gouging above in Dublin


Lifestyle

Another episode, another incredible Cork woman. The tale of Mother Jones, the famous union organiser and activist against child labour in 19th century America.Five things for the week ahead: RTÉ showcase another incredible Cork woman

Holger Smyth part-owns and runs Inanna Rare Books, which has recently opened a ‘rare book lounge’ at the former Hawthorn creamery near Drimoleague, Co Cork.We sell books: Cream of the book crop sold from former co-op

Milton Jones talks hecklers, Hawaiian shirts and the world’s favourite clever Irishman with Richard FitzpatrickMilton Jones: When one line will do just fine

After almost 70 years of trying the search goes on, but so far nothing has been found.Sky Matters: Whether we are alone in the Universe has exercised many great minds

More From The Irish Examiner