Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Hello old stock. I’m booking my tickets here for the Rugby World Cup next month. As you can imagine, I’m petrified of rubbing shoulders with working-class types who lack the refinement of someone like myself. I’m particularly afraid of Limerick people, who wouldn’t know the inside of a Range Rover unless they were robbing it. What is the best way to avoid meeting such types? Lenny, (Sundays Well and Marbella)

Poor Lenny. I’d say you must miss the old days, when the Aer Lingus flights to Heathrow had a curtain they’d pull across the front few rows to create a safe haven for outlandish snobs like yourself.

It only cost about £500 return and you could sit up there boasting about the size of your yacht. Happy days. Now, there is only one reliable way to attract posh thickos with accents like yourself. And that’s wear a Leinster jersey but who would want to do that?

Hola. I was in Cork last week and went to visit Fitzgerald Park. There is a massive wooden work of art in the middle surrounded by adults crying . What is this called? Ana, Madrid

It’s called the new playground. I took my nephew there last Tuesday and ended up looking after him. No wonder anyone over 12 is crying at the sight of it.

This one has so many climbs and hidden spaces that you can’t take your eyes off them for a minute. Surely the point of a playground is for it to mind the kids while you stare at Facebook. I hear the council spent €600k on the park.

That’s nothing to the money they are going to pay out with every parent in Cork ending up having a nervy b (That’s a nervous breakdown in the rest of the country.)

Ciao. I am visiting Cork on a cruise soon and have a few hours to spend in the city. What would you suggest? Antonio, Naples

The easiest way to spend a few hours in Cork is head in to the English Market and join the queue of tourists lining up to take a picture of a fish.

I would have thought people from other countries had seen a fish before, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. I see you are from Italy, so I should add that a queue is a line where people wait their turn, rather than just walking to the front and shrugging when someone shouts at them.

Make sure to allow time for a buggy jam. This is when two Irish people pushing buggies come face to face in a narrow aisle. Local tradition dictates they must spend ten minutes saying “seriously, you go first, go on”, followed by another ten minutes of apologising to each other.

Hi. We’re thinking of heading somewhere nice for the weekend. Where in Ireland is good this time of the year? Claire Carrigaline

The airport on the way to Spain is probably your best bet. Unless you are in love with your anorak, in which case it has to be Killarney. Now, I normally get a little bit of vomit just thinking of a Cork person handing over money to the Kerry crowd.

You just know they’ll spend it on mini mansions on the road to Cork, to show off their wealth. But the football is on this weekend. So with any luck you’ll have the place to yourself because half the locals will be up in Dublin, pretending to be modest.

You might even bump into the ref who gave the penalty against Cork in the Munster final watching the match in some pub. He’ll be the one in the Kerry jersey, says you. Only messing. We don’t want to be seen as bad losers. Again.

How’re u going on? Herself lost all interest in the old sex after her 92nd birthday, so I installed Tinder on my phone and started swiping right like a man possessed. The things I’ve learned.

I never knew that a 97 year old farmer from Beara could be so attractive to young ones from Russia and the Ukraine. What do you think they see in me? Tim Paddy Andy, Castletownbere

You’re not exactly in the Golden Vale, so I doubt the ladies are after your land. Let’s just say it’s unlikely they are hoping to get their hands on your rocks. That the rocks in your fields. Keep it clean now lads.

I’d say these ladies on Tinder are after your great sense of humour. As we all know, a GSOH is hereditary. And with a name like Tim Paddy Andy it’s clear that your parents must have been some great crack.

You just know they’ll spend it on mini mansions on the road to Cork to show off their wealth. But the football is on this weekend. So with any luck you’ll have the place to yourself.


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