Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

I heard that Tinder is introducing a third option called the Super Like. How does that work, like? – Liz, Bishopstown.

Right now on Tinder you can swipe right if you fancy someone or swipe left for ‘not even if you were the last guy left standing in Deep South at closing time’. In future you will be able to swipe up and send the person a Super Like. It’s Tinder-speak for ‘I so would.’ Or it might also mean ‘Congratulations, you have a stalker.’ We can’t rule that out either. I hear they are launching it first in Australia, because if the Aussies can figure out how to use it, anyone can. You are only allowed a limited number of Super Likes, so using it means you are really interested in someone. Or that you flopped down on the sofa after a big night out and started using Tinder with your beer goggles on. That rarely ends well.

Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

C’mere, I see there’s loads of talk about merging Cork city and county council. No offence, but I don’t want people thinking I’m from the same place as some Innishannon fella with a stink of silage off him. What can we do to save our city? – Gerry ‘Dowcha Shandon Bells Real Capital’ Murphy, Blackpool.

That merger could end up giving Cork a bad name. (Mind you, it couldn’t be worse than your name.) I’d like to know where this is going to end. Next thing we know they’ll start merging us with neighbouring counties. And we’ll end up having to pretend we have something in common with people from Limerick. I mean, we barely speak the same language. A fella asked me for directions in town last week. I thought he had something stuck in his throat. It turns out he was just from Kilmallock.

I’m only dying to help those poor refugees from Syria by inviting a few into my home. Sure we’d hardly know they were there as long as they stuck to the servants’ entrance around the side of our place on the Lee Road. My plan is to get them working around the house so I can fire the gardener and cook, using the money saved to buy a second Range Rover. Do you think this makes me a bad person? – Lottie, Loaded on the Lee Road.

No Lottie, this doesn’t make you a bad person. My guess is you’ve been a bad person for quite some time. I feel sorry for the refugees that end up with you. They probably think there is nothing else that life can throw at them after walking 1,000km to escape from ISIS. And then they end up meeting a social climber from Cork.

Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Howdy. I was visiting Cork last week and was very surprised to see tins of Christmas sweets in your supermarkets. Are they left over from last year? – Clint, Dallas.

No. The only items left over from last Christmas are 70,000 Frozen dolls down the back of the couch. And 70,000 parents saying, “I queued in the rain for that, you thankless squirt.” The sweets you saw are for this year. Christmas in Ireland used to be about spending a fortune on presents and gorging yourself for a week. Now it’s more about the big questions in life. Like ‘can I eat 8,000 mini-Snickers between now and the end of December?’ Judging by the man sitting next to me on the bus yesterday, the answer to that is ‘yes, but I wouldn’t recommend it.’ I can safely say he had the biggest arse I’ve even seen in my life. And I’ve been to Texas.

Hey there. I’m an American living here in Cork. I’m going on a date next week with a local guy from work. What’s the story with paying for the meal? - Alison, Los Angeles and Gardiner’s Hill.

It depends on what you mean by local. If your man is from Dublin or one of the border counties, then make sure to bring plenty of cash. The tradition in Cork is for both parties to go to extraordinary lengths to pay the bill, in case someone suspects them of secretly being from Dublin or one of the border counties. Anyone who says “I’m just popping to the loo” when coffee arrives is really saying “I’m going up to pay the bill on the sly and you’ll end up looking as stingy as a Cavan man in a kilt.” By the way, he won’t assume you are going to sleep with him just because he pays the bill. He already assumed that when you said yes to dinner. That’s the way dating works here. Hope that’s not a problem for you.

Next thing we know they’ll start merging us with neighbouring counties and we’ll end up having to pretend we have something in common with people from Limerick


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