Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, I saw a thing on the news last week saying they have a sort of Viagra for women now. My old doll is kind of gone off me in the bedroom front and I was thinking I might get her a couple of packs of the new drug for her birthday like. Do you think that would be a good idea? – Billy, Ballincollig

As ideas go, I would say it’s right up there with holding a gay marriage in Leitrim. Your unfortunate old doll is more likely to get turned on watching a Europa Cup qualifying round match between Stoke City and some crowd from Latvia.I’m not suggesting you plonk her down in front of that either Billy. I recommend you dim the lights and sit down with her to watch a few episodes of The Great British Bake Off. You’d be surprised how many women get turned on watching Paul Hollywood talking about his buns.

I hope you can help me. My name is on the list of subscribers that was hacked from the Ashley Madison website for people who want to have an affair. What should I do? – Marie (not my real name), Dungarvan.

It’s such a shame you’re from Dungarvan. There are one or two towns around Cork where it’s weird if you’re not planning to have an affair. Is there any chance you could move to Kinsale? But why are you bothering to use the internet anyway? Here is your three step guide to having an affair in Cork. 1: Go in to Deep South on the Grand Parade. 2: Flash your wedding ring around for 10 minutes. 3: Say no to the first two guys who sidle up and people will think you’re classy. I’ve had fantastic success with that approach recently.

We were having such a good time with the kids in Sardinia for the past month my husband forgot to buy a new car for the school run next week. I now face the prospect of dropping Harry and Iseult off to one of the few fee-paying primary schools in Cork in a 151 C reg car! Is there anything I can do? – Marjorie, the ‘where-did- they-get-their-money?’ end of the Blackrock Road.

Have you considered walking? You could rub their faces in it with your eco-credentials. And pull the classic yummy mummy ‘I’m clearly loaded’ stunt by wearing a new pair of Skechers every day. I’m afraid car-hire is not an option. I rang around town last night, there isn’t a single luxury German car available around Cork in September because of socially insecure snobs like yourself. No offence, obviously.

Dzie´n dobry. I am a Polish mother of one, living in Cork. We decided to send our son to a Gaelscoil to give him every chance of success in Ireland. He is starting on Monday and I was wondering if you could give me any tips about speaking Irish. – Kasia, Ballintemple

Make sure that he learns to speak Munster Irish. One of the alternatives is Donegal Irish and it’s impossible to speak that without sounding like a 97-year-old windbag. I’d recommend you watch TG4.It’s popular with Irish speakers and heterosexual men who like to watch the weather forecast with the sound turned down. Tune in and you’ll see why. And they said we’re an ugly race. The best advice I can give you today is to steer clear of Google translate.

I heard they might be selling the naming rights to Pairc Uí Chaoimh when it reopens in 2017. That’s more of it now. What can be done to stop this? – Gerry, Glounthaune.

You could always pursue the standard form of protest in Cork. Which is to clog up the phone lines on Neil Prendeville for a week and then forget about it completely. You have to wonder what they’ll call the stadium. Someone said to me the other day that our bogger cousins down west are planning a coup and it will be called the Kerry Group Stadium. I said surely the County Board would never do anything that could turn the people of Cork into a national laughing stock. Both of us fell around the ground laughing after that one.


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