'The Traitors' episode four review: Someone in Slane should be getting carer’s allowance for Andrew

The mission is in a creepy church, with masked figures perched in the pews. 

It’s episode four of The Traitors Ireland on RTÉ 1, and paranoia is rising, alliances are wobbling, and Siobhán McSweeney’s wardrobe is still giving (me anyway) more entertainment than the actual missions. 

Michele got murdered, and the traitors are wobbling like a toddler after a slug of gripe water.

The Breakfast Club is always the first test of the nerves, and when the group figures out Michele is gone, suspicion starts growing around Linda, no thanks to Faye’s little digs.

Christine goes full saucy Cork. It’s a common enough phenomenon, The neck goes out like a pigeon on Pana, the eyes blaze, and the accent veers to Northside: “Which wan of ye got rid of Michele? Honestly now, like, that’s just cruueeel”. 

Michele is gone.

In my head, she adds, “I’ll claim ye all,” but she refrains, or else they cut it in the edit.

I feel Traitor Katelyn overplays it at breakfast. Just because you have two little ponytails on either side of your face, Katelyn, like Angelica Pickles from the Rugrats, doesn’t mean you’re that cute. 

Oh, Jesus, never mind Katelyn, here’s Siobhán, and we can see her neck! 

Is it just me or does she seem more muted than usual? She looks like she’s been out all night on the razzmatazz and is hanging for an Anadin Plus. 

She’s wearing a STUNNING kimono, but with the minimal make-up and mussed hair, she looks like she threw on a dressing gown to answer the door to the DHL man because she didn’t want a package behind the bins again.

Then comes the mission, and they bundle into the cars for a good old bitch. 

Christine reveals she trusts Paudie because he reminds her of her father. “ME TOO!” says Andrew, delighted. 

That’s because he is actually YOUR DADDY, you toolbox! I’m shouting at the screen again. 

I feel like someone in Slane Castle should be getting the carer’s allowance for Andrew. Honestly, how is he holding it all together?

Siobhán McSweeney with Paudie.

The mission is in a creepy church, with masked figures perched in the pews. 

Siobhán leans into it, with a dearly beloved intro and some mad hand-organ coordinated gestures. 

The challenge involves deciphering clues to find hidden gold. 

There’s a total of €4,000 — and a twist. 

The person who brings in the gold to Siobhán (they have to kneel in front of her, which is only fitting) gets offered a deal  — €800 banked, or they swap it for a protective shield. 

Cue the moral panic. 

Christine really draws it out, ‘Ooh God, this is so hard’ (such blasphemy and double entendre in a place of worship!), then bursts into tears as she tells her team she took the dosh. 

She does so with the kind of smug self-congratulation I recognise from the time I was 10 and refused a Macaroon bar because it was Lent.

Meanwhile, Paudie and Patrick are winding each other up, with Patrick piously accusing his team of overcomplicating the clues.

He is getting on my candle wick, that fella. 

Everyone starts clocking the shield offer could reveal a mé-féiner, with Paudie practically levitating when he realises Katelyn never revealed the offer. 

“I’m really upset about this because I am a Fuhfuhfaithful,” she blubs. 

Oh, she is good. The lip is wobbling, and her nose is giving Blair Witch Project vibes. 

Surely she’ll be voted off? She might as well have a neon blinking TRAITOR sign around her neck.

With the pot at €17,800 — just enough to buy Siobhán’s bejewelled headband, I’d say (it’s only GORGE), the round table mania kicks off. 

Eamon comes gunning for fellow Traitor Paudie, with crybaba Katelyn backing him up. 

But Linda gets banished. 

Linda has been banished.

The group falls asunder as she reveals she’s an ally. 

And in the shadows, the three Traitors meet to feck each other out of it, and come up with their next victim. 

Life and death may be at stake, but I’m just waiting for Andrew to skin his knee in a mission and run to Paudie for a magic kiss and special hug.

• The Traitors Ireland continues on Monday at 9.30pm on RTÉ One and RTÉ Player