'The Traitors' review: CMAT will be writing songs about this in 10 years, mark my words
The Traitors Ireland started this Sunday.
has become a global reality TV phenomenon, and now it’s Ireland’s turn, with the sensational Siobhán McSweeney presiding over the intrigue at Slane Castle.
We know it’s the Irish version thanks to the accents, the happy hysteria anytime tea is mentioned, and the fact that two contestants aren’t just from the same parish, but the same household.
The show opens with Siobhán outside the castle, majestic in a tulle skirt and structured bolero, Wednesday Addams lipstick and hair that says: “Mention Sr Michael once and I will end you.”
“Fear not,” she booms in a haughty voice. “Soon you will be committing acts of debauchery here.”
Cue some of the older fellas nervously double-checking they hadn’t applied for Channel 4’s by mistake.
Our hostess with the mostest informs the 24 contestants that first impressions are everything at Traitors HQ and asks the group to pick the most trustworthy person.
Andrew, a civil servant in a beige jumper, is shoved up and told to pick the three least trustworthy-looking contestants. Poor Andrew, sweating buckets, selects David from Dublin; John, a firefighter who confesses he just wanted to be like Homer Simpson and drift into the hedge behind him (I immediately want him to win); and Gemma from Laois.
Andrew then picks Gemma and John to be banished before the game has even begun.
“This light bluey-green jumper… I shouldn’t have worn it,” laments John. “I stood out too much.” FFS. There was a girl in a neon feather coat with bright red hair.
Someone who looked like an actual Bond villain, all Grace Jones vibes and slicked-back ice-blond hair.
One woman looked like she was wearing Tweety Bird’s baby. And John is too flashy in pastel M&S knitwear?
I’m shouting at the telly and we’re only minutes in. I LOVE this show.
Siobhán then interviews them one-on-one. What becomes glaringly obvious is that everyone needs the €50k prize for a house deposit. We all know the devastation of the housing crisis, but nobody talks about the real victims: the ones forced to prostrate themselves on reality TV for the chance of a semi-d in the back arse of Cavan. CMAT will be writing songs about this in 10 years, mark my words.
Cue costume change. Siobhán sweeps into the round table in an embroidered cape, blindfolds the group and taps the shoulders of her three chosen Traitors.
They are: Eamon, a garda from Tipperary, who tells everyone he’s a courier instead. “Cos if they know I’m a guard, they’ll think I’m Sherlock Holmes or something.” Yeaaah, sure they will, Eamon. Lie about Tipp, if you want to make friends.
Katelyn, a leadership consultant from Galway. A dark horse. One to watch.
Paudie, a 68-year-old retired prison officer — AND Beige Andrew’s father!!!! Both insist they didn’t know the other had applied and are pretending not to know each other. We’ve got Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker energy here, and I am absolutely here for it.
Then it’s straight out to the forest to roll barrels in a task that gets too for my blood. That night, the Traitors meet in secret and talk through their options: Mark, Michelle, or Dave. I reckon they'll decide to bump off Dave — mainly because he remembered everyone’s name and came across too cocky. And possibly because he's from Dublin. We'll find out tomorrow night.
- continues every Sunday at 9.30pm, Monday and Tuesday at 9.35pm on RTÉ One and RTÉ Player.
- Catch up on all the betrayal, banter and behind-the-scenes bombshells with directly after.
