If you want to know the truth about Apple, and where the real problem lies, you’ve come to the right place. As usual, I have all the answers.

The problem, to my mind, is as clear as daylight. Apple is too successful.

The company has been making far more money than it needs. And now, like a bullock packed full of feed, it’s suffering from the results of high living and hot air.

And this business of owing €13bn in taxes is irrelevant.

For if such a sum was handed over to the State, do you think a single pothole would be filled?

Or an extra hospital bed put in place?

Of course not. The €13bn would be squandered, like so many billions before. Squandered by blundering and buffoonery.

If Apple were running the country instead of a factory, we might be far better off.

Anyhow, that’s not the crux of the issue, the problem is to do with the enormous success of Apple and what to do now with its barrels of money.

What the company really needs to do is start losing money. It needs to get down to earth and embark on a scheme whereby it can start haemorrhaging cash hand over fist.

And not wanting to boast or brag or anything, but I have found, down through the years, that when it comes to poverty, abstinence, and indeed chastity in many instances, it’s hard to beat farming.

Farming is a business that simply excels where hardship, pain and suffering is concerned.

Money in farming is about as rare as hilarity in big business. And so if I might be so bold, Tim, as you are CEO of Apple, what you really need to do is get Apple into the business of farming.

Stop all this talk of expansion at Hollyhill, and return the plot of ground to the way God intended. You need to grow grass, Tim, and you need to do it now.

I’ve been to Hollyhill a good few times myself over the years, hauling bits of scrap to a merchant who, as it happens, is also located in that very pleasant and picturesque part of Cork City.

And when there, even in the scrap yard, I’m always struck by the beauty of the place. Hollyhill, to my mind, is a prime spot to fatten a few bullocks. Make no mistake Tim, ’tis crying out for it.

Of course, a flock of sheep would also be another option for Apple. However, I have heard of the occasional farmer turning a penny out of sheep, so perhaps it might not be the best enterprise to lose money.

The purchase of a silage harvesting outfit would certainly soak up vast amounts of cash. The only danger here being that the €13bn may not be enough to purchase all the gear that’s needed.

So I think our best option might be to stick with the cattle. The losses here at least are quantifiable.

And better again, when it comes to sourcing cattle there is none better than me.

I could have a bunch of scrawny bullocks up there running around the Apple building in a heartbeat.

More to the point, I could positively guarantee that not a penny from them would you make. For if you did, you’d be the first.

So go on, Tim, sink your Apple money into beef, and you’ll soon find that you have no more financial woes.


Don’t just bung this festive favourite in a boring pot and wait for it to wilt, says Hannah Stephenson.How to style your Christmas poinsettia

More From The Irish Examiner