Denis Lehane: I'd love to see a Glenroe reboot — Dynasty style

Many old television shows are getting reboots. It's time Ireland's classic soap opera was brought back to life.

In Glenroe, Miley never had any money and Biddy wore the trousers.

I haven't watched the television in years.

My love affair with the small box ceased when Glenroe was cruelly culled from the herd. When we were left to fend for ourselves with the dull as dishwater Dublin soap, Fair City.

Fair City is, if you ask me, about as entertaining as a kick from a donkey. It's worse than terrible. And that's the best thing I can say about it.

Indeed, Glenroe itself was far from perfect, its greatest flaw being that it was too perfect. Too close to the farming bone to be truly entertaining.

In Glenroe Miley never had any money, Dinny went out for the occasional pint and Biddy wore the trousers.

Sure, that's the situation in almost every farm in the country. You can watch Glenroe every day by looking in the mirror.

Glenroe could have been so much better if it had been administered a good dose of razzmatazz.

Either in pour-on form or back the throat, the dose was badly needed.

In America at that time hit soaps like Dynasty and The Colbys didn't fall into the same poverty trap. American soaps had no interest at all in reality, they dealt with fantasy and were far better as a consequence.

Dynasty's Joan Collins never milked a cow nor drove a tractor.

Alexis, who ran the show in Dynasty, never milked a cow nor drove a tractor at high speed.

She wore the trousers alright, but never really wore trousers.

She was all glamour and wouldn't know a bucket of milk replacer if you threw it on her.

Blake Carrington, who would be the Dynasty equivalent of Dinny Byrne never spent his spare time smudging eggs with hen dung in an effort to convince conscientious shoppers that they were free range.

Nor did he own a greyhound bitch in partnership with the local parish priest Fr Devereux. Indeed, there were precious few parish priests in Dynasty.

The plotlines in Glenroe, while far funnier than anything Dynasty could throw up, lacked what could be referred to as a healthy dose of nonsense.

Sure we all know about pints of porter, greyhounds and dirty eggs. Ireland is full of all three.

Glenroe could have been so much more.

Glory to Glenroe

There is plenty of talk at the moment about a Glenroe reboot. Well, I'm all for it.

And why wouldn't I be all for it? With Fair City about as pleasurable as watching an old ewe suffer from prolapse, anything at this stage would be an improvement.

But if Glenroe does return, it needs to come back with a bang.

This time we need to see our fictitious farming favourites in positions of power and influence rather than poverty.

In a rebooted Glenroe, Biddy must return. Who cares if she died years ago? American soaps had no problem resurrecting the dead. Why should we?

In a rebooted Glenroe, when Biddy goes to the co-op she does so dressed in her Jimmy Choo wellington boots and her Armani overalls.

She's still the same obstinate Biddy only now with wealth to match her independent streak.

In a rebooted Glenroe, when a character like Miley Byrne goes for a romp in the hay with a character like Fidelma, the hay will be located in the Ritz hotel with a bottle of bubbly chilling in a nearby bucket.

We don't need to see another calf with scour. The rebooted Glenroe should be more Dynasty than dysentery. Who cares if it's not real?

Farmers today are sick and tired of reality. We see enough reality on the farm.

We don't need to see it again on our television screens every night.