Prof says I will get fat and stupid over wind turbines

I haven’t been able to sleep a wink since I heard the news last week that wind turbines could be making me fat and stupid.

Some professor fellow, whose name I’ve forgotten, launched the bold attack on the gigantic monsters, saying that, to his mind, living too near the yokes could cause sleep deprivation. As if you need to be a professor to come to that mighty conclusion. For they can be the noisy hoors. Wind turbines that is, not professors.

Anyhow, this sleep deprivation crack can lead to other horrible things the professor said, like eating disorders and cognitive difficulties.

“The devils will lead you to being as fat as a pig and as thick as a plank in no time,” the good professor did say, or at least in words to that effect. Of course, like everything else that surrounds me, I have lost the newspaper on which the professor’s elegant words were printed.

Anyhow, that was the gist of what he was saying, albeit with a little more panache than I could muster.

And of course with four monster turbines perched only a few hundred metres from my house, I do wake up some nights, when they are ratting away like an old twin tub washing machine.

Naturally, in such times of anguish, I have been known to venture to the fridge to comfort myself with the leg of a chicken or a chunk of bacon. But these midnight feasts are of little concern to me, for I feel whatever I eat in the night-time hours is quickly burned off during the day as I gallop through bogs and ravines in search of wayward bullocks and various other hairy beasts.

Weight gain will never be a worry for me, so long as I am self-employed in the wilds of Kilmichael.

It’s the brain that concerns me most. I’m fond of my old brain you see, in spite of its many faults and failings.

And if I can be truthful with you for a moment, I fear that I wasn’t greatly gifted in the head department to begin with. No, it’s true. Deny it all you like. I need every brain cell that I possess to be in working order, at all times, to keep the show on the road.

So if the professor is correct and the dreaded turbines might make me more stupid than I already am, I’m doomed for sure, my brain is already working on half power. I could well be out of business by Christmas!

Since I read the report last week, I’ve been keeping as far away from the turbines as I can get, and only go near them when absolutely necessary.

You needn’t pity me, for there are far worse unfortunates than myself.

Spare a thought for those poor fellows involved in the planning of wind farms, or the big shots who finance such ventures. Fellows who seem to be picking the strangest of spots to hoist up as many of the monsters as they possibly can.

Clearly such individuals have spent far too much time working alongside the brain suckers, for they seem to be as thick as a bucket of spanners.

In a country with an abundance of isolated spots, why perch turbines within earshot of so many? Why be causing such upset, when we could all be living in harmony? Clearly, the lights are on, but there is nobody home.

Sadly the professor is right, wind turbines are the cause of a whole lot of stupidity.


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