One of the finest sentences ever uttered on Irish TV

The aster*sk keys of the keyboards of country’s media were worn out after that Late Late Show last Friday week.

When as Shane Lynch let fly. He was on with Boyzone as they promoted a pension top-up/farewell tour and the producers decided to show that clip. The one where Gay Byrne introduced Boyzone and they danced like no one was watching.

“What was that about?” asked Ryan, expecting a bit of aww shucks banter in reply. That is not what he got.

“I’ll tell you what that was about. I busted me bollix to get here and to see that clip. You can shove it up your ****ing h*le,” said Shane Lynch. (I wasn’t sure about asterisking hole but just to be on safe side it’s there anyway. Although arguably it looks worse like that. Like a cat’s.)

Now, you might think bad language isn’t big or clever or funny but you cannot deny that for musicality and cadence it is one of the finest sentences ever uttered on Irish TV.

And the invocation to “Shove it up your …” It is surely the most satisfying of all retorts. We all dream of a pure use of that phrase.

What did you say to the boss?” “I told him to shove the job up his …

Is there a better way to quit work than that? There’s no “comprehensive exit interview with HR for 360 degree feedback and continuous improvement and delivering a better work-life balance to our most precious asset: our people”. If a departing employee requests that you shove a job up your hoop, you can be fairly sure they have a low level of gruntlement.

How refreshing if it were to be deployed in geopolitics: “What did you think of Theresa May’s Brexit proposal Emmanuel?” “I told zem to shove it up zeir heuole..”

The innate satisfaction of the phrase is the reason why the big tragedy of Roy Keane’s exit from Saipan was that he told Mick McCarthy to stick the World Cup up his bollix. That doesn’t make sense Roy. 

That’s not possible. You ruined the aesthetic of your departure with an anatomically impossible insult.

The point is: Once Shane Lynch had said where the clip needed to be placed, there was no doubt about the depth of his feeling. Lynch was continuing a long tradition too.

The first ever viral thing I remember was so long ago we didn’t even say “viral”. Viral back then was something you couldn’t treat with antibiotics and you had no idea how you got it but maybe you picked it up on the plane.

Back then it was known as “doing the rounds”. 

Anyway, this clip did the rounds. Some oul lad was upset he hadn’t received his golf-outing prize following a competition. He was irate. It appeared he had been “onto them a number of times about it”. Finally, he lost it, in a voicemail that went around the internet faster than you could say “zip up your mickey” he told them to shove the golf up their...

Over the years any number of proper, common and abstract nouns have been threatened with insertion.

We swear in this country. We always have done. It’s just been different taboos that we’ve invoked. So long before the Saxon tongue came in with its obsession about sex and poo and urging us to think about the bottom line, the devil was a taboo, judging by the amount of curses in Irish that involved him. 

The Irish Times had a list of 54 curses in Irish a few years ago. A quarter of them were about the devil. Among them, the devil is urged to lacerate/blind/choke/kill you but my personal favourite is “May the devil make a ladder out of your spine.” We swear. if you don’t agree with this opinion, you know what you can do with it?

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