Former England full-back Kenny Sansom admits his struggle with alcoholism has left him feeling suicidal.
The 58-year-old, who won 86 international caps in a 20-year professional career, has been in rehab several times in recent years as he battles alcohol and gambling addiction.
But, facing Christmas alone after splitting from his fiancee, he told the Daily Mirror he is ready to give up the fight.
"I want to kill myself," he said. "I don't feel like I've got anything left to live for.
"I want to forget my life. I can't handle life any more. If I could end it now, I would.
"I haven't brushed my teeth for seven days. I don't know if it's depression. I know I'm drinking myself to death, but I don't think I'll ever stop drinking. I don't want to stop, that's the truth.
"I'm drinking four bottles of dry white wine a day. I used to always drink Mateus rose, but I've moved to this now because it's stronger and I need it to be able to feel any effect.
"I know I've got a massive problem, but I love drink. It makes me feel better. When I drink, I don't have to worry about life any more."
Sansom, who won the 1987 League Cup with Arsenal and was named in the PFA Team of the Year on eight occasions, has received several offers of help - the latest from former Gunners team-mate Niall Quinn.
The ex-Republic of Ireland striker arranged for Sansom to fly to a rehab clinic in Dublin but, after meeting Quinn at Gatwick airport, Sansom refused to make the trip.
"Niall sorted it all out for me, but I realised I couldn't go," he said. "I appreciate everything he tried to do for me, but I turned it down as I knew I would let him down. I just want to be honest.
"I know the only person who can help me is me. Somehow I need to find the strength to do this."