Every day, I take my wife a cup of tea in bed. She loves this ritual and I like performing it.
However, we sometimes make love in the mornings (after I’ve brought the tea) and she pauses to finish her cup before it goes cold. For me, it kills the moment.
I’m sure our love life would be more passionate if she didn’t take this short tea break.
Your letter is more likely to provoke envy than sympathy, but small gestures have an impact on romantic relationships.
Bringing your wife a cup of tea reminds her that she is loved and cared for, and her appreciation makes you feel valued, too.
Because you attend to your wife, she attends to you. That’s how good relationships work.
Reciprocity becomes a virtuous circle and from time to time your cup runneth over and your morning tea ceremony stirs a sexual awakening.
When those occasions occur, you feel that your wife should forgo her cuppa and seize the moment.
However, I don’t think you understand how integral it is to the romantic dynamic.
Far from being a passion killer, the time it takes for her to drink her tea should add to the erotic charge.
Your wife knows that, in those moments, you are fixated on her. Often desire is — in part, at least — narcissistic.
It is as much about being desired as it is about feeling desire. As she watches you watching her, sipping tea, she is luxuriating in the certainty of your appetite.
You both know what is going to happen next, but in those few moments, the hand that holds the teacup controls the pace.
In long-term relationships, good sex is generally more about slowing things down than speeding things up, and anything that extends the ritual should enhance the experience.
In men, sex can have a tendency to become a race from A to Z.
The desire to have sex causes a rush of blood to the penis, which manifests as an erection, which demands stimulation, and mostly results in orgasm.
Your penis tells you that you want sex, but studies with women show that even when their bodies display physical signs of arousal — engorgement and lubrication — they don’t necessarily consciously register feelings of sexual desire.
This disconnect between brain and body means that drugs that aim to increase female sexual desire are targeting the brain rather than the body.
There is no doubt that your wife enjoys having sex with you, so rather than try to hasten the process, why not use the time that she is drinking tea to increase the intimate connection between you by discussing things that are meaningful to you both.
It’s the perfect time for some peace, quiet, and connection, before you dive beneath the sheets.
For men, sex can be a bid for intimacy and a route to communication. For women, communication is a bid for intimacy and a route to sex.
Don’t worry about losing the sexual momentum, or, indeed, your erection.
Just be patient and let her enjoy her cuppa, and then enjoy what comes next.