Sex File: Lack of daring and a lack of communication

Sex File: Lack of daring and a lack of communication

I’ve been seeing someone for several months and everything’s great except the sex.

He follows the same routine every time. Maybe he’s scared of being too adventurous but I’m thinking: Is this it?

If he’s this lazy so early on, what will it be like in the future?

If your boyfriend’s idea of adventurous is taking his socks off, and yours is threesomes and gimp hoods, you are unlikely to find a comfortable middle ground.

However, being the same doesn’t always work either. Two submissives? Two exhibitionists? Two introverts?

In sexual relationships a degree of difference creates momentum and keeps sex exciting.

Sexual compatibility is important, but your perception of whether or not you are compatible probably matters more.

In 2013 Kristen Mark at the University of Kentucky interviewed 133 couples and found that the extent to which individuals believed their partner shared their sexual preferences was a more salient predictor of relationship satisfaction than actual similarities.

You clearly want your boyfriend to show a bit more pizzazz in the bedroom, but don’t confuse being unadventurous with being lazy.

This distinction matters because it is much harder to encourage a lazy man to be more sexually energetic than it is to help a timorous man to be more imaginative.

If he is just lazy, he will stick to his routine, do little to exert himself and avoid positions that are physically demanding.

There are many explanations for why people become lazy. It is mainly a habit, but it can mask depression or anxiety, or it can indicate a lack of interest.

Whatever the cause, laziness in bed is at odds with good sex because intimacy is predicated on reciprocity, and relationships fail when one person is continually relied on to do the heavy lifting.

If that does not sound like your boyfriend, his reluctance to try new things may simply indicate that he is not confident about other kinds of sex.

The male sexual script leaves no room for vulnerability or failure, so men who worry about being boring, impotent, weak, inexperienced, etc, worry about what would happen if they tried something other than the thing they feel comfortable doing.

In this context, sticking to routine is about avoidance.

Although it’s nice to try new things, great sex has nothing to do with how often you do reverse cowgirl or flying eagle.

In 2009 the psychologist, Peggy Kleinplatz, and a team at the University of Ottawa conducted a study that aimed to identify the specific components of great sex.

The eight factors that were common to the best sexual relationships were: being present; connecting; deep sexual and erotic intimacy; heightened communication and empathy; being authentic with each other; feeling a state of peace and transcendence; being willing to explore, have fun and take risks; and making yourself vulnerable and being willing to surrender to each other.

If you both can live and love by these eight rules, you have nothing to worry about.

You are worried about his lack of daring, but the real issue is your lack of communication.

Not feeling able to tell your boyfriend what you want sexually indicates a lack of intimacy and a lack of confidence in each other.

If you like him, you need to take a risk and talk about what you like and don’t like in an open, non-confrontational and curious way.

Be open about your vulnerabilities and anxieties, and cushion anything that could be construed as criticism by emphasising all that is good in your relationship.

Once you begin to build trust and form a deeper connection with each other, intimacy and bolder sex will follow.

Send your queries tosuzigodon@mac.com

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