My boyfriend and I get on really well and have a great relationship in general. But he’s become more and more lazy with sex. He lies there and expects me to do all the work. He’s always telling me how gorgeous I am, so I know it’s not that he’s not attracted to me. He seems quite touchy about it and is always changing the subject.
You say that you and your boyfriend get on really well, but what great relationship involves one partner doing nothing while the other does all the work?
And what reasonable person withdraws, sulks and gets really touchy if their partner even attempts to discuss the blatant sexual inequity that dogs their relationship?
It’s not easy to talk about sex at the best of times, but it is particularly difficult when you get that kind of response.
By shutting you out, he effectively shuts down the conversation.
Since he won’t talk about the problem, the only other option is to stop providing him with sexual pleasure until he gets the hint.
If he does initiate, don’t be submissive. Numerous studies have shown that women who are sexually assertive and give their partners explicit guidance have the best sex, most orgasms and greater marital and sexual satisfaction.
In contrast, a lack of sexual assertiveness is positively related to feelings of insecurity and anxiety. Your boyfriend has made you feel that if you ask for more during sex, or push him too far, he will leave you.
But what exactly would you be losing?
Someone who finds it impossible to have an adult conversation?
Yes, good men are hard to find, but that’s not an argument for settling for mediocrity, or worse.
In order to find someone decent, you need to respect yourself first.
Relationships are weird because so many of the rules for mutual happiness rely on an unwritten, and often unspoken, contract between two people who, without ever negotiating exact details, share an understanding regarding the fairness of returned services. Whether it is sexually, domestically, financially or even parentally, reciprocity and shared responsibility are the core of any good relationship.
Most important of all, is the ability to communicate openly, without fear of judgment or humiliation.
Without that, you have nothing.
What happens next is - unless your boyfriend suddenly becomes more willing to open up - down to you.
Confronting this issue will almost certainly lead to a sulk, but he is unlikely to leave in a huff. Why would he?
He gets it all his own way and, historically, any time you have attempted to address the inequity in your sexual relationship, the silent treatment you receive has left you feeling so vulnerable and insecure that you have let it lie.
If you challenge him again, you have to be prepared to do things differently.
I don’t know if you are living together or whether you have somewhere else to go. I do know that if you are in a relationship where you can’t express your opinions because they won’t be heard, or will cause such a storm that silence becomes a safer option, the only advice is to get counselling, or get out.
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