I’m 30 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. He has no difficulty bringing me to orgasm, but he has to help me when I try to return the favour. He is more experienced and very patient, but this is making me anxious.
Every man’s first significant sexual relationship is with his own penis. Over the years, men and their members develop levels of intimacy and proficiency that make it difficult, if not impossible, for women to compete.
Although they are often too polite to say it, some men would prefer it if their partners did not even bother trying, so before you develop RSI, it is worth asking your boyfriend if he would prefer you to be doing something else.
If he says “yes”, consider yourself off the hook. If he says “carry on”, here are a few tips on how to improve the situation.
The easiest way to find out what your partner likes is to ask him to show you the precise pace, pressure and type of stimulation that he enjoys when he is by himself. He may be reluctant to do this at first, but it’s worth persevering. If, as you say, your partner is experienced and patient, he may be comfortable to show you what he enjoys.
Some men, and women, are too shy to give their partners a demonstration, but they can give you verbal feedback while you stimulate them. This can be helpful for you and erotic for them. In all aspects of sex, the more communication you have with your partner the better.
One of the main problems with manual stimulation is position.Essentially, you come at it from a different angle. If you are in front of him, you will be bending his penis away from his body and, however sexy you find it, there is always a slight niggling worry about the possibility of hurting him.
One of the easiest ways to alleviate that anxiety is to lie down beside him on the bed and position yourself so that your hand is in a similar position to the way he may touch himself.
Another piece of advice: take it easy. When men engage in solo sex they adopt a leisurely pace, only increasing pace and pressure for a brief period leading up to orgasm.
If you are giving it your all with no discernible results, do not feel disheartened. You will probably never be able to do it as easily as he does, but if he has asked you to try, it means he does not care about that.
When you touch yourself, your nervous system anticipates the contact, and this masks out sensory feedback. When someone else touches you, your brain doesn’t anticipate it in the same way, so it receives more complete feedback.
It is because of this that you can’t tickle yourself, whereas you experience an extreme sensation if someone else touches you in a similar way, and the same applies to the sensation of touch from a partner during sex.
Most importantly, try to relax and take your time. The real pleasure is in the journey, not the destination, and though you would like to see your efforts rewarded, men will often hold back so they can carry on and orgasm during penetrative sex.
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