Sex File: Husband refuses to sext me while at work

I like to have a lengthy build-up before sex, so I asked my husband if he wouldn’t mind sending me some sexy texts during the day while we are both at work. He really didn’t like the idea and said it made him feel uncomfortable. Is it such an unreasonable request?

A: Sexting is a bit like sex. It has entered the vernacular in such a way that it makes you think everyone is at it all the time — but they are not. In 2015 Brandon T McDaniel at Penn State University and Michelle Drouin at Indiana University conducted a study that explored sexting among married couples.

Research suggests that sexting is common among teenagers and young adults, so it was assumed that this prevalence would extend to longer-term couples. This turned out to be wrong.

Only 29% of the sample had sent a sexy text and 12% had sent a picture.

Of those who did sext, 16% of wives and 19% of husbands sent messages and only 3% of wives and 5% of husbands sent photos once a month or more.

The assumption that couples who engage in sexting enjoy higher levels of relational wellbeing and sexual satisfaction turned out to be wrong too.

The study found that sexting was more common among people who felt insecurely attached to their partners; they used it to draw their partners nearer or to satisfy their partner’s sexual needs while keeping them at a distance.

Sexting is not an authentic form of communication. It’s a convenient shorthand for people who want to signal their desire for sex without revealing anything of themselves.

It tends to be 95%imagination, 5% intent, and no one who sexts is 100% committed to following through on every implausible suggestion.

Inevitably it tends to be a process by which you discuss what you won’t end up doing to each other, and how hot it won’t end up being.

The fact that most of these exchanges are conducted while both of you are at work, or waiting for the bus, adds to the paradox.

Finding out what turns you both on means talking — not texting — about likes and dislikes, discomfort zones, needs, boundaries, and alternatives.

Have you tried ‘romanceting’?

It involves texting words and/or images too, but instead of demanding sex, you express appreciation and admiration.

Telling a man you have been married to for years that you still find him attractive, or that he makes you laugh every day, will do his ego and your relationship a world of good. It also ensures that you will be romanced in turn.

Receiving a text telling you that you are the funniest, kindest, hottest wife on the planet is much more sexy than a text explaining what you probably won’t end up doing.

If your prime reason for wanting to text is to get yourself in the mood for sex why not take this into your own hands?

Literally.

Tell him you’ll spend half an hour reading an erotic book and taking a bubble bath.

If you are at work and you don’t have time to prepare your body, why not prepare your mind instead by thinking about what you want and how it will feel?

Since your brain is hot-wired to your genitals, a 20-minute daydream is an effective way to get yourself in the mood.

It’s just a hunch, but I suspect that focusing on getting yourself in the mood for sex might turn out to be a highly effective aphrodisiac for you.

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