Sex advice with Suzi Godson
Q: My new boyfriend and I are both 27. I like to take sex slowly. Surprise, surprise, he likes a faster pace. I’ve talked to him about it, but when he gets aroused he just forgets all we discussed and gets carried away. How can I get him to slow down?
A: This is not an unusual problem — and there are certainly things that you can do to slow down the experience. Some men get anxious that if they take things at a more leisurely pace or switch position, they will lose their erection. Others simply can’t hang on.
For women, the problem with sex that goes too fast is that they obviously then don’t have time to become fully aroused, so are unable to have an orgasm before it’s all over.
There are several things you that can try while you are having sex that can help to decrease sensation for him, or increase control for you. Changing positions, for example, forces a natural break in stimulation, and choosing to go on top means that you get to control the pace.
In her book Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone explains a technique you might like to try called Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
It requires your boyfriend to stroke your clitoris while you try to block out everything else, so that you can better tune in to pleasure sensations.
The trick is not to think, just to feel, so you can let go of inhibitions and experience the way your body responds naturally.
If you haven’t tried any meditation before, it would be a good idea to teach yourself how to do it first (there are lots of meditation apps you could try) before you try it out here.
It’s an interesting process for your boyfriend because he can observe how even the most gentle stimulation has a physical effect as you become more turned on.
He may be tempted to move the foreplay on as you both become more excited, but try not to give in. This should be a very slow, sexy process for both of you - hold off as long as possible to really increase desire.
If none of this works, you could try using the refractory period after ejaculation to your advantage.
Depending on his age, you have a window of between 15 minutes (the average for an 18-year-old) or 20 hours (for those aged 70 or over) before he will be capable of getting another erection.
When men ejaculate they release a cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide and the hormone prolactin.
This hormone is linked to the feeling of sexual satisfaction and its release during orgasm is what causes men to feel sleepy. So when it’s dark outside and a man is tired, an orgasm is likely to send him straight to sleep.
Instead, in the morning, when you are both feeling relaxed but alert, begin lovemaking as usual. Once he has had an orgasm, he will feel a bit more relaxed and for the duration of his refractory period, he can attend to you.
As he watches you become more aroused, he will begin to get turned on again, and by the time he is ready for round two, you will be ready to climax with him.
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