Sex advice: I'm worried she's not satisfied

Sex advice: I'm worried she's not satisfied

I love it when my wife performs oral sex on me, but she doesn’t appear to enjoy it when I try to reciprocate. She says that she is happy and that our sex life is fine, but there seems to be an imbalance. How can I help her to get as much pleasure as I do?

Talking openly about sex can be awkward and embarrassing. It can also make you feel vulnerable because you can’t be certain what your partner thinks, and this creates doubt.

What if the real reason your wife doesn’t like oral sex is because the way you do it feels unpleasant for her? Or worse, what if she says your sex life is ‘fine’ because she doesn’t actually like having sex with you? If you never discuss sex you will never receive an unsettling response, but if you mean it when you say that you want your wife to get as much pleasure out of sex as you, you need to take this risk.

Don’t be alarmed if an honest conversation reveals that your wife genuinely doesn’t enjoy oral sex. Lots of women have mixed feelings about it and it is not always a reflection of their partner’s skill. It may be that she needs certain conditions to be in place before she can thoroughly enjoy it. If a woman is anxious or stressed, she is not going to enjoy oral sex, no matter how well you perform. Nor will she enjoy it if there’s a sense that there’s a time limit. Try a sensual bath or shower (perhaps together) first, to set up a relaxed atmosphere, and the sense from you that you have all the time in the world to lavish her with this attention.

Anxiety seems to be at the root of most of the negative comments about oral sex. Some women worry about the time it takes them to climax. Reassuring your wife that you enjoy pleasuring her and asking her to give you a chance to keep going until you bring her to climax may help. That doesn’t mean she should feel under pressure to orgasm — another non-relaxant. The expectation from a partner that the earth is going to move for the recipient will never help. And besides, she might enjoy it even if it doesn’t bring her to orgasm.

I’m not suggesting poor technique is the problem, but my top tips are: Take your time and build the excitement slowly. Make sure you don’t focus solely on her clitoris and if something seems to be working, keep doing it. Kiss everywhere, starting with her inner thighs and ending with her clitoris, directly or indirectly (there are 8,000 nerve endings, so for some, direct stimulation is too much).

Finally, if your wife is resistant to any of these ideas, don’t push it. Some women really don’t enjoy oral sex and faking enthusiasm to please you will eventually lead to resentment. The only way to solve this is to talk about it. If you can find out why she doesn’t seem to enjoy oral sex, one of two things will happen — either you will accept that she doesn’t like it and no longer feel guilty or you will understand why and work out ways for her to enjoy the experience fully.

Good sexual relationships are not defined by specific sexual acts, they are defined by good communication.

Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com

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