Ask a counsellor: ‘I’m pregnant – should I tell my fiancé I’m not totally sure he’s the father?’

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance to a woman who slept with her ex and is now worried her unborn baby may be hi

The problem…

“I am pregnant and my baby is due in about three months. I live with my fiancé and we have a great relationship. My problem is, I am not sure that he is the father of my baby.

“I met up with an old boyfriend about six months back and, after a few too many drinks over lunch, stupidly slept with him. Now I am worried that my baby is going to be born tall and blonde (my fiancé is only my height and has black hair). I am also terrified of losing my fiancé. I love him so much and I just know that he will be a great father.

Should just keep the secret and move on?


“I am never going to see my ex again, so I’m wondering if I should just keep the secret and move on. However, I am so stressed by the whole thing, I’m sure my fiancé will notice something is wrong. Should I just tell him and get it over with?”

Fiona says…

“Most men would react badly to receiving this type of news, probably feeling betrayed and hurt. And many would almost certainly simply walk away; so I am not sure that the truth is the best way forward here.

“You have a secure relationship with a loving fiancé, who also sounds like he will be a good father. You have accepted that you made a mistake and decided to never see you ex again, so why risk damaging these good things and breaking your fiancé’s heart in the process? Besides, lots of babies are born looking nothing like their parents. They are just as likely to have the features of a grandparent, or even a great-grandparent. So, if your baby is born with blonde hair, so what?

“Presumably you had been having sex with your fiancé before this pregnancy, otherwise he would surely have raised the issue already. Moreover, as you had sex with your ex only once, in all probability your fiancé is the father anyway.

“So perhaps you should indeed ‘keep the secret and move on’. Can you do this? Or will you continue to worry or feel guilty about what you did? Holding onto a secret like this may not be easy. If you appear to be stressed about something all the time, your fiancé is likely to be curious or even suspicious.

You need to consider how you might cope if the secret comes out in the future

“Also, you need to consider how you might cope if the secret comes out in the future. For example, should some form of genetic testing be required as a result of a medical condition. And can you also be sure that you ex will not make contact should he find out that you’ve had a child? I say these things not to frighten you, but to get you to think about some of the consequences of keeping the secret.

“Ultimately, only you can decide whether to tell your fiancé. However, if you continue to struggle with this issue, I suggest you contact Relate ( and share your worries with a counsellor.”

:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

- Press Association

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