Ask a counsellor: ‘I slept with a guy at a party – will I ever see him again?’

Ask a counsellor: ‘I slept with a guy at a party – will I ever see him again?’

The problem…

“I’ve always been quite a shy person and haven’t been on many dates but just over two weeks ago, I went to a party where I met a really nice guy. We spent the whole evening chatting and got on fantastically – I was thrilled as it doesn’t often happen to me like that.

“Anyway, it turned out the party was at his cousin’s house and, at the end of the evening, he asked me to stay over and spend the night with him. I liked him so much and thought he seemed genuine so, to my own surprise, I agreed.

“The following morning, I went downstairs for a glass of water, before he woke up. His cousin and some of the other people who had also stayed over were laughing and teasing me so much that I felt used and dirty, so I left. I just walked out without saying goodbye or anything.

“Over the next couple of days, I waited for him to call but I didn’t hear anything from him, so I sent him a text. He didn’t reply and now I don’t know what to do. I know we really liked one another, and I really, really want to see him again, but on the other hand, I don’t want him to think I’m a pushy slut desperate for him.”

Fiona says…

“I know this felt very special to you, but I fear that, for him, it may well have been just another one-night stand. Those with a bit more experience will probably recognise the type that can turn on the charm and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. I’m not saying he is that kind of person – just that the signs are there.

“There are, of course, other possibilities. His cousin may have said something about you that put him off; he may have been offended that you left without saying goodbye. Perhaps he thought you’d run off because you’d regretted what happened between you, although I would have thought your text would have reassured him, in that case.

Casual sex should still be fully consensual and fun (iStock/PA)
Casual sex should still be fully consensual and fun (iStock/PA)

“It might also be that he had a bit too much to drink and didn’t even fully remembered what happened between you. There are so many possibilities here, but you have done the only sensible thing you could do.

“You contacted him and, having done so, you’ve waited for him to contact you.

Whilst I’m tempted to say, “just forget him”, I recognise that will be hard for you because, you don’t sound like the kind of person to treat something like this as meaningless. So, as long as you’re sure you have the right number, maybe send just one more text message.

“Keep it simple, saying something to the effect that you’re sorry not to have heard from him, that you enjoyed the evening and hope to hear from him again. If there’s no response to a message like that, then I think you’re going to have to assume he doesn’t want further contact with you.

“Putting an event like this down to experience isn’t easy but I’m afraid that’s how you will probably have to view it. Keep your dignity and don’t make any other contact, however difficult it feels.

“Whatever happens, nobody should feel ‘dirty’ for having casual sex – providing that it’s fully consensual and everybody involved is comfortable with the situation, of course. As well as thinking about your emotions, it’s important to be fully prepared in terms of contraception and practising safe sex too. Brook (brook.org.uk) is a useful source of information and guidance on sexual health and relationships for young people.”

:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

- Press Association

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