'My niece did a degree in Gender Studies - her father cried for three months'

I’m part of a very exclusive group on WhatsApp called Montenotte Women in Volvos Who Only Eat Vegan Food Made by Rich Protestants. #Elite. Yesterday, one of six Rachels in the group posted that her daughter, Beatrice, was watching an innocent video on YouTube when it was suddenly interrupted by this terrifying Norry called MamMam, who said: “C’mere girl, you do be perfect for the majorettes.”

Now, I’m not sure I can trust this Rachel, she’s a bit of a tit to be honest. But if she is telling the truth, this is an appalling threat to the children of Posh Cork. How can I check if it’s legit?

– Polly, Montenotte, I’m exhausted from all the cosmetic enhancement.

Chin up Polly. (Literally.) If anyone would know about internet trends, it’s my cousin -he’s the geekiest guy in Cork, measured by the number of girls who said they’d love to meet him again, but as a friend. I said, what are they calling the northsider who appears on screens and terrifies everyone? He said Roy Keane. #WrongButRight

C’mere, I pretended to be a feminist so I could get off with this Canadian one at work, she do look like Jennifer Lawrence without the wonky nose. Anyway, she wants me to go on a march for International Women’s Day this weekend, where we go around calling out examples of the patriarchy, whatever that is. Could you let me know what I should be looking out for?

– Shane, Blarney.

My niece did a degree in Gender Studies, even though she had more than enough points for Med. (Her father cried for three months.)

I said to her, tell me what you know about the patriarchy. She said it’s an invisible thing that restricts women. I said, just like my Spanx! Complete silence. #NoJokeFeminism

I’m the top Social Media Influencer in Cork, measured by the number of people who comment “gorgeous hon” on one of my posts before I have a chance to explain that it’s actually me without make-up and isn’t it great the way I’m just like everyone else. (As if.)

So, I hired a pretend boyfriend for my Instagram stories. It helps me get more invites to try out 5-star spa retreats, and discourages the no-hoper guys who want to send me photos of their ding-dongs or the sunset over Cobh. (Don’t know which is worse.) So, pretend boyfriend is starting to make real eyes at me, which is never going to happen because he only has 2000 followers. If I dump him, what are the chances of nabbing a Munster rugby player?

– @yousowishlike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My posh cousin is an expert at flirting with Munster rugby players (she’s almost fluent in Afrikaans.) I said, what are this influencer’s chances? She said zero because of ABTC. I said, what? She said, Anywhere But Turners Cross, the Munster players block their eyes passing there on the team bus, in case poverty is catching. #SoThatsWhy

C’mere, what’s the story with my sister being a pain in the hole? Myself and old doll were sharing Facebook videos the other night because we do be completely out of things to say to each other.

There was this one video where someone threw a slice of cheese at a baby and it stuck to her face. It was funnier than a Waterford accent like, so I asked my sister if we could borrow her 6 month old to make a vid, and she says no, get your own baby, all cranky like. So, do you know where I can hire a cute baby for an hour?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, we do have our own cheese.

I’m part of a WhatsApp group called Ballinlough Women Who Make Money Out of Their Babies. I messaged them there and got six replies in under a minute.

I said, I hope this money will be put away for your child’s education. I got five LMFAO replies, and Ciara sent me back a photo of a hotel in Rome. #KerchingBaby

Hello old stock, delicate times in Chez Reggie. I got an email last night saying that some crowd were after hacking into my account. Worse again this email came from my own address MrLovvaLovvaOldStock72@gmail.com, which sent a chill down my spine, as if I’d heard that my biological father was a butcher from Dillons Cross.

They want me to pay them four grand in something called Bitcoin – it sounds like a scam, but they are threatening to share my browsing history with my wife Marjorie and I’d rather she didn’t find out I was searching for “Naughty checkout girl gets her comeuppance from wealthy yachtsman.” Should I pay up?

– Reggie, Blackrock, four grand is nothing really.

It would nearly buy you two pints in Kinsale, between the months of March and October. It’s a tricky one – a hacker emailed me recently and said, I’m going to show your partner the video you watched of a woman giving herself manual pleasure. I said, fantastic news, he could do with all the help he can get. #DownABit

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