Ask Audrey predicts good news for 2020, with Cork to bring a double-double back to Páirc Uí Chaoimh. The bad news is that by the end of the year, the Páirc may be a water polo stadium
Don't talk to me about 2020. The features editor just got on to me there and said that from next May this column will be written by a very attractive robot.
I’d say she’s bluffing — there isn’t a computer in the world that could make the same joke every week about Norries, Germans, Blackrock Rd moms with head-turning muscle tone, and sex addicts in Kinsale.
Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be able to pick up a job doing public relations for the royal family (It could be worse, imagine doing it for the FAI).
I hear the royals are hiring for someone to change the bag they put over Prince Andrew’s head once a day — the salary is outstanding and they pay a bonus if you have to talk to him.
In other royal news, it will be all eyes on Harry and Meghan next year.
There were tears in my eyes watching them talking about their life last year — I haven’t laughed that much since My Conor suggested going to the cinema on the northside (not that there’s anything wrong with the northside, that couldn’t be fixed by replacing it with an Ikea).
In related news, Season 4 of The Crown is still waiting for a release date (so is Prince Andrew, says you).
The new series brings us all into the 1980s, except for the royal family, who stay put firmly in the 1700s.
It features the What Could Possibly Go Wrong marriage of Charles and Diana, not to mention Gillian Anderson playing Maggie Thatcher. Anderson announced she wants to get under the skin of her character — I’m sure it will be fine Gillian, as long as you’re not expecting to find a heart,
Anyway, showbiz. The last week-end in August is going to be massive for music-lovers all across Cork city. You should plan for massive traffic jams heading out of town as people scramble to escape from the Westlife concert.
A strong easterly breeze could spread their tunes all over town, along with the smell of the nouveau riche money in Glounthaune.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but two of the band are from Sligo, where it’s not unusual to fall in love with a goat. And if the music won’t get you, there’s always the danger of coming face to face with a monobrow from Tipperary.
It seems like this is the last year for the Marquee in Cork Showgrounds. There has been an amazing list of world-class acts there down the years, as well as Ronan Keating. It’s hard to remember half of the acts, because myself and the Posh Cousin would meet beforehand in the Idle Hour and polish off a bottle of gin.
David Gray is going to play Musgrave Park in June. He’s one of those English artists that felt at home here in Ireland — I’d say there will be a lot of more of those once Brexit becomes law.
It’s impossible to predict how all that ‘taking back control’ is going to play out next year. All I can say for certain is that Northern Ireland will vote to unite with the south and we’ll try to join back up with England just to get away from them (Oh, and you have a more likely scenario, do you?).
In movie news, prepare for ‘Brit Actress Wins Big’ headlines, as Saoirse Ronan takes home the Oscar for Little Women. In English soccer news, prepare for ‘Everyone who doesn’t follow Liverpool is getting their ears removed’ headlines, as the Reds win finally win the league and become unbearable for the next 20 years.
Anyway, on to more trivial things, like Irish politics. Sorry to wreck your Christmas buzz and all that, but there is going to be an election here in the new year, with all kinds of politicians arriving at your door.
I suppose at least it’s good news for people who sell pitbulls, razor wire, and security systems that shout “You, yes you in the blue shirt, you are trespassing on private property, stop wasting time and build 20,000 houses.”
I’m not able for all the canvassers . The last time I heard such bullshit promises was when Irish Water called to the door said they’d only be a week digging up our road (my neighbour Bernadine was devastated with all the workmen. I said, is it because they’re common? She said, no, only one of them is good-looking).
Interesting year ahead in Irish sport. I asked my GAA-mad cousin, No Fault Fergus, what are his predictions for the new year. He said a double for the women in football and camogie.
Then he said the men’s hurlers and footballers are going to do the double as well. I said, “what makes you say that?” He said: “I’m from Cork, I say that every year.” Anyway, I eventually got him to stop sniffing the glue and said, “do you think Jim Gavin leaving will make a difference to Dublin football?”
He said “it will of course”. I said why? He said “they’ll have to train another guy to go on TV and say their success has nothing to do with money without breaking his shit laughing”. #Hilaire.
The other big sporting event is the European Championships in soccer. Ireland play Slovakia in an away play-off in March.
Hopefully they’ll play well; they owe their fans a big performance. Unfortunately, they also owe the banks 80 squillion euro, so they’ll probably have to walk to Bratislava (that’s the capital of Slovakia, for those of you who liked looking out the window during Geography).
Climate change and global warming are bound to loom large in 2020, a bit like a tidal wave. My prediction is that Cork people will stop referring to their home town as the Venice of the north next year, mainly because the gondolas in Venice are being retrofitted so they can be operated as submarines.
There will be massive opposition to the proposed flood-protection barriers along the Lee, but I’m sure the council will go ahead anyway because the huge walls will block out the lack of progress on the Event Centre. #Inspired
Finally, the one thing we know for certain is that no review of next year will include the sentence “It was a surprisingly quiet one for Donald Trump”.
Impeachment for asking Ukraine to interfere in the 2020 presidential elections should be the most embarrassing thing that could happen to a US president, but I took a look at his biography there and it’s worse than a witness statement from an orgy in Kinsale.
So basically, it’s hard to imagine anything embarrassing enough to stop him getting re-elected at this stage, unless of course it emerges that he’s originally from Carrigaline. #Morto
Anyway, that’s 2020 for you. The good news is that Cork are going to bring the double-double back to Páirc Uí Chaoimh. The bad news is by the end of the year it might be a water polo stadium.
Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to teach a sexy robot why Cork city people will laugh at any sentence that ends with the word Macroom.