Ask Audrey: When it comes to stupidity copying someone from Meath is up there with licking a raw chicken

Hi girl, I’m the leading social media influencer in Cork measured by the number of people who reckon the only time I see my kids is when I’m shooting a #cute Instagram post in #RockyBay #CreatingMemories #YourProductCanAppearHere. Anyway, my third smallie is due this week #Blessed #LoveAtFirstSight #BirthLiveonFacebook. I had my #heart set on it being the leading media event in Munster and then that Meghan pushes out a prince. #Deva #NoTears #Botox. The best bet now is for us to shoot the birth as a spoof of the royal couple, so I’ll act like a cranky Yank and My Derek will pretend to care about poor people. Do you know where we could get a pair of masks? — @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My friend Leonard is a keen royal-watcher. #Simpleton. I said, is it possible to get masks of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex? He said no. I said why? He said because there isn’t a single person in the world who wants to look like Harry. #Harsh

Hey, I’m a hyper-sensitive Dad who got his daughter baptised because my mother is religious. Anyway, it’s communion time for little Flo-Flo Sunday week and we’re looking for a way to celebrate it that says ‘we’re not gullible sheep who do what they’re told, it’s just a white dress.’ (It’s a bit wordy for a t-shirt.) Tell me there’s an event around Cork where we’ll be safe from Fake-Tan Tanya Mams bursting out of a micro-skirt, not that there’s anything wrong with them. — Eric, Ballintemple, we’re all born equal.

Don’t be so ridiculous. I passed this on to the Posh Cousin. She said there’s a WhatsApp group called Posh Cork Liberals Who Want You to Know They Got Their Kids Baptised Because They Didn’t Want to Upset their Mothers. I said is there anything that could undermine the love a southsider feels for his mother? She said, a massive hike in inheritance tax.

C’mere, my old doll do be sharing a house with this lad from Brazil, it do take him 40 minutes to get out the door with the gels and oils he do be rubbing into himself. I was over there last night and he was chatting away to his mate in Portuguese, so double wide now like, I turned on Google translate and wasn’t he telling your man he wants to diddle my old doll. I was up like a shot, and said Carlos boy, I claim ya. He said what. I said, is it the way you’re slapless? He said, what. The old doll came out of the shower at that point and we all went bowling. How can I get him to fight me? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My oldest friend (42) lives in Rio. I said, how do you drive a Brazilian crazy? She said, lick his ear-lobe. #Experienced

Hi, I’m terrified about the GAA club in Navan that banned parents from looking at their phones while their kids play football. If they bring this in over at the Rockies I won’t be able to catch up with my gals on the WhatsApp group, Blackrock Babes Who Can Tell Where You Went to School By Looking at Your Hands. Worse still I’ll have to talk to some of the other parents and four of them think it’s acceptable to drive around Blackrock in a Ford Focus when you’re not delivering pizza. #Imagine. I think this phone ban would be a violation of my human rights – do you know any lawyers? — Monica, Blackrock.

I know a lot of lawyers very well — that’s why I wouldn’t recommend them. I checked with my GAA mad cousin, No Fault Fergus. I said, is it likely the ban will catch on in Cork? He said no because when it comes to stupidity copying someone from Meath is up there with licking a raw chicken.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is back hanging out with a pack of Man United Ultras in Dunmanway, they meet every Thursday in the parish hall to sew a giant ‘Ole Out’ banner for next season. It gets worse – driven mad by the result on Tuesday, didn’t they paint ‘Dirty Scouse Bastard’ on the front door of Liverpool super-fan Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat, which came as a surprise to the man given he he has never been east of Innishannon. Anyway, she has decided to take this crack to the next level, with a blanket ban on Liverpool fans in our B&B. This is an issue for myself given my recent promotion to Senior Vice President for Operations and Security. Do you think it is legally enforceable at all, tell me? — Dan Paddy Andy, head west beyond Dunmanway until you see an 87-year-old woman burning an effigy of Kenny Dalglish.

I’m good friends with a judge. (A must-have in Cork when you’re looking for a lock-in.) I said, under what circumstances can you ban a Liverpool fan from your house? He said, when you have something worth stealing. #FollowsEverton

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