C’mere, what’s the story with liking someone from Dublin? Myself and the old doll are in Benalmadena and we’ve made drinking buddies with this couple from Clondalkin. The lad, Johnny, do be fierce sound, he’d remind you of Robbie Keane but without the fit wife. (That’s the way he described himself, in front of her, before you accuse me of anything now like.) If you look beyond the howyiz and blue tracksuits, they could actually pass for Cork Norries (they even brought her Mam with them on holidays.) So, do you think we should stay in touch back in Ireland?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.
I asked the Posh Cousin if there’s anything to be said for having a friend in Dublin. She said you’ll have somewhere to stay when you go to see a musical in the Bord Gais. I said, I’d be morto. She said, just turning up at their door? I said, no, people knowing I went to see a musical. #Common.
My hippy sister is coming to stay in our €1.2 million holiday home in Glandore and I’m losing the will to live. She keeps judging me for my life choices, even though she’s the one who married a ‘writer’ and can’t even dream of sending her daughter (Moon-Icorn) to Scoil Mhuire. And yet, she’ll be happy to come down here and neck my non-Aldi Pinot Grigio while making passive aggressive comments about how we can’t all have a fabulous career and marry a guy with a guzz eye just because his father owns half of north Cork. I’m actually reluctant to tell her I cry myself to sleep every night because I can’t decide between Pres and Christians for Jack. Is there such a thing as sisters counselling?
— Monica, Blackrock Road and Glandore every August
Congratulations. I rang my therapist friend there and said, what’s a good way to bring sisters together. She said, the reading of a will.
Hey man, just because my old man gave me a Porsche Cayenne for my 30th doesn’t mean I can’t pull it in to pick up a scruffy hitch-hiker from the lower orders. (They all have their own story and a bag of weed.) So like my sister is after getting this 9 out of 10 Spanish au pair Veronica, and I can tell she thinks I’m just another spoilt shit from Ballintemple, when my vibe is much more Turners Cross grit with a touch of new age, ya feelin’ me? My sister has a thing about arriving into Crookhaven with staff in the car, so I’m driving Veronica down from Cork on Saturday. How can I show her that I’m sound and sexy?
— Ed, Ballintemple, I have a sailing tan.
My brother’s wife is from Madrid, totally out of his league. I said to her, if a good looking rich Irish guy started coming on to you, how would you feel? She said, with my hands. #Shameless
I’m in counselling in the moment after a very difficult divorce. (My ex-wife got two of the Range Rovers and the holiday home in Schull, my counsellor keeps telling me not to worry, because that place is over-run with Norries these days, I’d be lost without him, which is more than I can say for my solicitor.) Anyway, I got to hold on to the cleaning lady (northsider), in an entirely above board manner. The thing is, I’d like to take it below board, if you get my drift. I’ve never been in love with someone earning less than the minimum wage before, how should I approach her?
— Paul, Monkstown, please don’t say ‘well, not from behind when she’s dusting the couch anyway’, this is the real thing.
Look at you stealing my lines. I tackle this in my new podcast, I Scored with a Norry on the Rebound, She Wants Me to Meet Her Old Man for a Game of Darts. Get back to me if that doesn’t put you off.
So I’m the top social media influencer in south Munster, measured by the number of my followers who don’t realise I haven’t paid for a single thing since 2017. So, I was having a free massage with lip filler yesterday when it came to me. #Property! I could work my #InfluencingMagic and help people to sell their houses. Just imagine it — an Instagram post where I walk around your gaff in a €450 jumpsuit tailor-made for my new boobs, saying “Five bedrooms, underfloor heating, south facing garden, both the neighbour’s sons are in Pres.” That’s 20k straight on to the value of your house, I’d be grand with 10%. Can you help?
— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo, maybe you could put out a few feelers among the estate agent community.
There’s already more than enough feelers among the estate agent community. (Trust me – I’ve been at their annual ball.) Sorry now, but there is no way I’m to help a newcomer to the ‘Reviewing Posh Houses in Cork’ game. The Examiner’s Tommy Barker does a perfectly good job of it already, and unlike you, he has his own boobs. (Grand ones they are too.)