Ask Audrey: This could get me kicked out off the WhatsApp group, Posh Cork Doctors Who Like a Drink

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Now listen up Paddy. My son Penelope (long story) is going to Dublin this weekend to shout for England in the rugby – who knows he might even return a tiny piece of the 100 million pound fortune our family made by stealing land off you miserable shower of Micks.

No hard feelings, I’m sure. Penelope would be a passable enough chap, if it wasn’t for his rather unfortunate chin. (His mother and I share a grandmother.) This does not stop him from chatting up the fillies after drink, often in front of their boyfriends. Is there a danger he’ll get a biffing?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, Suffolk, Yorkshire and most of Kent.

A: Hilaire to see you boasting about Penelope spending a fraction of 100 million quid - you’ve obviously never seen what the Dubs charge for a pulled-pork wrap on a rugby weekend. I wouldn’t worry about safety though - England are in town, he’ll be surrounded by thousands of other entitled, blow-hard, inbred types who can’t handle their drink. And that’s just the Leinster fans.

Q C’mere, I’m not able because of that tidy one from Japan. You know who I’m talking about, Marie Kondo, she does have this show on Netflix for people with OCD who want to clear stuff out of their gaff. Anyway the old doll is hooked on it and wants me to throw out anything I haven’t worn in six months.

I said I’d rather go live in Mallow. She said I’m going on a sex strike until March, and now she do be deliberately walking around in her smalls to rub it in. Is there any way to sort this out without looking weak?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

A: It’s a tough one alright. If you throw out everything you haven’t worn for six months, that will leave just seven pairs of white socks and a Liverpool tracksuit. I asked my Relationship Expert friend about the decluttering and the sex strike.

He said, I’d advise Dowcha Donie to give in and have a rummage around in his drawers. I said if nothing else it will relieve the tension. #DoubleMeaning.

Q Blackrock Road is buzzing with the news that a new ski resort in Austria comes with a No-Norry Guarantee. (They have a ban on people on people with Credit Union accounts.) The only problem is it’s an early morning flight from Dublin and we don’t want to stay in a hotel by the airport because they are all full of Kerry people pretending they have no money.

So we’re getting the middle of the night Aircoach up instead. Is there a first-class section in their buses where you could get a Gin and Fevertree?

– Monica, Blackrock Road, we’ll only be gone for a week.

A: That’s a shame. My neighbour runs a travel agency for the officer class of Cork Society, called Anywhere but Spain.

She said the latest trend in Posh Cork is for a skiing couple to book out the entire Aircoach, it’s cheaper than a hotel in Dublin.

I said, so there is absolutely no risk of a conversation with a member of the lower orders? She said, exactly, as long as you avoid eye contact with the driver.

Q: Hello old stock.

I went to extraordinary lengths to keep our romantic weekend in Paris as a secret from my wife Marjorie – if she got wind of it, she’d probably have wanted to come. Anyway, it worked a treat and off I flew with a youngish Mullingar lady I know from tennis.

We walked for hours around Paris, her taking about her time there as an exchange student or was it au pair, me wondering how long before we could head back to the hotel for some Mister Lova Lova. Unfortunately, when we finally got to the bedroom end of things, didn’t I fail to ‘rise to the occasion’. Will I get my money back on the travel insurance?

– Reggie, Blackrock.

A: Fair play to you for being so honest - it can’t be easy admitting that you fancy someone from Westmeath. I remember one time I went to Rome with a washed up old codger like yourself. (No offence.) He said, I’d like to get one thing straight before we start.

I said, I’d like that too, but we both know it isn’t going to happen.

Q: I thought our kids would have manners because we live in Maryborough Hill, but they’re so rude and horrible you’d swear they were from Carrigaline.

As a result I’ve taken to the gin and tonic when they go to bed, which must have scrambled my brain, because I fell for that anti-ageing face-cream scam on Facebook where they pretend Miriam O’Callaghan is a user to get you to sign up.

This could get me kicked out off the WhatsApp group, Posh Cork Doctors Who Like a Drink. Any advice?

–Name with the Editor, Maryborough Hill.

A: Hi Ruth! Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

I signed up for the anti-ageing cream when Paulo started behind the counter at the pizza place in Ballinlough. (#YoungHughJackman.)

I see Miriam is planning to take Facebook to court over it. If I was her, I’d skip that and just bring out a face cream. (There’s obviously a demand.)

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