Sorting out Cork people for ages...
Q:I’m just back from Trick or Treating with the kids, we live in St Luke’s so all they got was four gluten free jellies, some macadamia nuts and a framed photo of Greta Thunberg. (A recent poll showed that 77% of people on our road are triggered by the word ‘sugar’.)
Anyway, that’s by the by. I wore a GoPro camera hidden in my witch’s hat for the walk around our neighbours’ gaffs — what’s the point of Halloween if you can’t record Jenny Mulligan’s latest boob job?
I nearly passed out with anxiety watching the footage at home, we have the oldest car on this road, and not in a vintage way.
So where can I hire a fuck-off expensive Aston Martin for the school drop on Monday?
— Clodagh, St Lukes, the Montenotte end.
A:Would you not try InYourFaceCars.ie? They specialise in gas-guzzling sports cars for rich insecure hippies with impeccable eco-credentials. (Four of their five offices are in St Lukes.)
Q: C’mere, how can I tell if I’m punching with my latest old doll? And no, I don’t literally mean punching her, before you make one of your hate-speech jokes about northsiders, just because I do be from Blackpool.
I mean, punching above my weight, because she’s a fla and I do look like someone from Mullingar. (You’d nearly need blinkers going up there.)
Anyway, my main man Budgie swears I do be punching with this wan, probably because he’s planning a cut off her himself.
So like, is there an app or something that can tell me if I’m playing out of my league?
—Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, people do look at us funny on the bus in fairness.
A: I tackles this in my latest podcast, Are You Sure Your Partner Isn’t Working For a Charity that Dates Ugly People?
It was inspired by a conversation I had last weekend with My Conor. He said, how come you keep seeing good looking women with a plug ugly bloke? I said, because I can’t stop looking at my wedding photos. #HotBridesmaidsHotBride
Q: Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where it was agreed now is not to time for Spud-Munching gags about you filthy Micks, seeing as you are about to take Northern Ireland off our hands.
So, helllll-ooo you, I’m in need of some advice. My daughter, Claudette Von-Saxonhausen-D’Servant-Shagger, Piggy to her friends, is after getting engaged to some chap from just outside Kenmare. I know nothing of the area, thankfully, but Buffy Land-Grabbington tells me they are a rather in-bred bunch with a certain reluctance to pay their taxes.
Well, in that case Buffy, I said, this Kerry chap should fit in perfectly with our lot. Huzzah! Is there anything to be worried about?
—Lord Edmund d’Servant-Shagger, London and Africa, heaps of it.
A: My cousin married a guy from south Kerry because she has a negligible sense of smell. I said to her, what’s the most striking thing about Kerry guys.
She said, they’re unbelievable in the sack. I said, good at sex? She said, no, you literally can’t believe a word they say.
Q: How’re oo’ goin’ on? My uncle Denis Denis Dinny Denis Denis died last month and him 102.
In fairness to the man, he was a homosexual when it was neither proud nor profitable, and didn’t he go his grave known locally as Gay Denis Denis Dinny Denis Denis. Anyway, the will was read out and long story short, yours truly is now known locally as a millionaire.
I was thinking how I’d spend the money when Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Tim Pat put his finger on the matter – he said, posh Cork city people have been buying property here in West Cork for ages, why not buy one of those new town-houses in Montenotte and give them a taste of their own medicine.
Is he off his rocker, tell me?
—‘Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a sign saying ‘Shag off and get your own inheritance.’
A: My niece has a book out that helps bog-people integrate into Cork City, it’s called Would You Ever Stop Wiping your Nose on Your Sleeve.
I told her your story, she said you’ll be fine. I said what has he got that will help him settle in Montenotte? She said, unearned wealth and a furious sense of entitlement.
Q:So, I’m the leading social media influencer in Western Europe measured by the number of times I accept ‘just one’ glass of prosecco at the 11am opening of a tool-hire company on Skehard Road and end up going shop to shop in Mahon Point slurring ‘Anyone for the last bit of influencing? Anyone?’
I’d like to bring my mother along to these things and give my poor liver a break, but my actual Mam is brutal common, Lower Friars Walk, so where I could I hire a photogenic old bird from Bishopstown?
— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.
A:I told your story to my Posh Cousin. She said, sorry now but she’s only fooling herself.
I said, because of her struggle with alcohol? She said no, because of her struggle to find an old woman in Bishopstown who doesn’t like daytime drinking.#GinCrazed