How yiz? Meself and the missus are thinking of throwing the smallies in the car for the weekend and heading down to Caaarwk, to take a look at yizzers Fota Island, wha? Now, I might as well be honest with you from the get go — I hate Caaarwk people with every ounce of me existence. There isn’t a racist bone in me body, but I just can’t stand the way yiz talk and call each other langers as a mark of affection, know what I’m saying, wha? So I suppose me dilemma is as follows – where is the best place to stay around Caaarwk, where I won’t meet any Caaarwk people, wha?
— Byrnser, Dublin, wha?
I’m sorry to hear that (you are coming to Cork). I know langer is often used as a term of endearment down here, but I’m sure we can make an exception in your case. (Langer.)
We’re on holidays here in a very exclusive resort in Menorca, well out of your range. We dropped our little one Síofra to the kids club this morning because I don’t want her to see me downing two bottles of Cava for brunch, until she’s at least seven. #Responsible. Anyway, hadn’t she made a friend when we picked her up, Stacey, a northsider, told Síofra her Dad is a plumber. He is yeah, given what they charge here. Is it OK to ask this Stacey where her Dad really got his money?
— Veronica, Blackrock Road
My cousin is an expert in kids. (It wouldn’t hurt her to have one.) She said, that child is telling the truth, tell her to get his number, I really need to get my hands on a plumber.
I said, leaky tap. She said no, elaborate fantasy, do you know any firemen?
Hey man. I’m one of those dripping-with-money Ballintemple types who heads off to my old man’s Bond Villain style mansion in Crookhaven every July, except I tell everyone we’re in the campsite near Barley Cove in case the common people think I’m todally up myself. (I even had speech training to stop pronouncing it Borley Cove — I’m pretty much a card-carrying communist at this stage.) So, I have this new girlfriend, we really clicked even though she’s only from Curraheen. Anyway, I brought her down here last night and she keeps saying “I never knew ye had so much money”, while looking at me as if I was a piece of meat. How can I tell me if she loves me for myself?
— Ed, Ballintemple, she’s a bit out of my league looks-wise
Most women are. #Punching. It turns out my Posh Cousin has a podcast on just this topic, called Ah Come On, Your Sense of Humour Isn’t that Good.
I told her your story. She said, wow, yet another person who doesn’t know that Curraheen is the Irish word for gold-digger.
Now listen up Paddy. Myself and Piggy Dense-Puffington are leaving Falmouth harbour this evening to embark on a sailing trip around Ireland, making one stop in every county along the coast. Our good friend Bunty Von Bottom-Pincher did it last year and commented that it certainly beats working for a living as long as one doesn’t spend too long in Waterford. (Stout fellow.) I had a look at the map and you Cork people seem to have some very fine villages built by the British no doubt, because you were probably too busy peeling your potatoes, no offence. Which Cork harbour would you recommend?
— Edmund d’Servant-Shagger, England, is there anything to be said for Cobh?
Loads, but the lawyers won’t let me print it. #Dryballs. It depends what you want to see really. Schull is fantastic if you like looking at passive-aggressive social climbers, Baltimore is great if you want to hear people say “Boltimore is a city in America, you’re in B-a-l-ti-more now Lord Haw Haw”.
And the views in Kinsale are amazing, of people removing their wedding rings before heading into the pub. #Shameless
C’mere what’s the story with banning my fiancée from looking at Chris Hemsworth on her phone. (He was on Home and Away, like.) We went to a relationship counsellor there last month because I was hoping he would tell us to have more sex. No such luck. He said we need to improve our communications, maybe watch a TV show together to give us something to talk about. But when we’re watching Black Mirror, the old doll do keep taking sly looks at clips of your man Hemsworth on Graham Norton’s show, and I happen to know he’s on her list of ‘Celebs Who I Definitely Would Like’ (Hemsworth now like, not Graham). So, am I within my rights to say any chance you might put down your phone there, Julie?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, still no sign of any sex
You think it’s bad now — wait until you get married. #10YearsAndCounting. My old school friend is still obsessed with anything to do with Home and Away. #SadReally.
I said, what are the chances of getting a woman to stop looking at Chris Hemsworth on her phone? She said rack off you flamin’ mongrel. (She’s gone a bit Alf Stewart.)