Ask Audrey: My niece is doing a PhD because her folks won't kick her out of the house

We were having a chat the other day on the WhatsApp group, Glanmire Babes Who’ve Had Bit of Work Done, when Cliona1977LoveCrookhaven asked a killer of a question — she said, is it just me or is Glounthaune full of weirdos? It was an amazing moment of clarity, something that had been there under the surface for ages until someone finally put her finger on it — one of the babes said there were actually a few tears at her end. Now, I know people are always funny about nearby towns, but I don’t think that is what is going on here. So, is there a way to confirm that Glounthaune is in fact WeirdoVille?

— Jane, Glanmire.

My niece from Bandon is doing a PhD in Sociology because her parents don’t have the balls to kick her out of the house. (Her thesis is called ‘Work Schmwork’. You have to admire that.) I said, is Glounthaune the weirdest town in Cork? She said, have you ever seen Innishannon?

How’re oo goin’ on? I was having a pint the other night with Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat when he said, watch this now boy, and popped a blue pill into his mouth. One of the lads in the creamery brought it back from Malta, it’s for his manhood you see. I won’t go into the details in case people think I’m gay like, but 15 minutes later Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat was like a mobile phone mast with excitement. Not only did he give me one to take home, he told everyone in town he did it, and now I’m known locally as Dan Paddy Randy. Should I hire a PR consultant?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway, I’ve never handled anything like this before.

I’d say you haven’t. My friend Devious Dominic is an expert in PR. He said you need to deflect attention from him. I said, well who’s the real victim here? He said, his wife. #GetAwayFromMeWithThatThing

Hey. So like, today I was having a coffee in the English Market, perving at some hot Spanish tourists, but in a todally consensual way. Ping! in pops a WhatsApp from the Old Man, he’s todally, “you need to think about getting a job.” I’m todally, “sorry Dad, in between careers can’t even begin to think about that”, he’s todally, “start thinking about it without the 500 quid I give you a week”, I’m todally, “call me when you become cool again old man.” Anyway, no bothers, I’ve todally got this — everyone says my accent is where merchant prince old money meets down to earth soundness. So I todally want to be the voice on a Google Assistant. Where do I apply?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

My first boyfriend, Tech Tiernan, is an expert in this (and very little else). I said, is Google looking for a voice that says I’m a tone deaf nob-end with zero self-awareness? (No offence.) He said no, they use people from Dublin for that. #JobHoggers

Hi girl. I’m the leading social media influencer measured by the number of my followers who didn’t spot I got married to Derek three times in the last year so I could get a free reception in return for the bit of influencing. (I’m seen enough of my aunts and uncles to do me a lifetime.) Anyway, it’s obvious from all the photos we took that Derek is letting himself go. At the first wedding he looked like a young Brad Pitt, after the third one, he just looked like Brad Pitt. I posted the two photos side by side with the caption #AllThePies, but he didn’t take the hint. How can I get through to him #ShapeUpOrShipOut?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

It’s hard criticising men — I find they take things very personally unless they’ve had a few pints. I told My Conor last week that I don’t fancy him any more, at least not the way I used to when we first started going out, do you know that kind of a way. He said that’s terrible, it’s like you’re saying I’m not half the man you married. I said, more like double. (He has his own parking space outside the local chip shop.)

We were having a chat the other day on our WhatsApp group, Plain Looking Ballintemple Guys Who Married a Complete Babe, when KenDeDentist mentioned this new option with Uber in the States called ‘Quiet Ride’, where the driver isn’t allowed to talk to you. I don’t want to sound like a complete langer now, but this sounds like a great idea for Cork taxis. Obviously this would only apply to drivers from the lower orders — I don’t mind listening to people like myself who are driving a taxi due to low ambition or a bad investment. Do you think we can bring this quiet ride option to Cork?

— Ronan, Ballintemple, my racing bike cost 5 grand.

Is that all? Sorry now but you’ll have to go elsewhere with this crazy notion. I am totally against a quiet ride, unless there is someone in the next room. #Noisy.

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