Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...
Hi, we’ve put our father in the best old-people’s home in the city, measured by the number of people in the visitor’s carpark wearing €500 sunglasses. Anyway, my sister rang from there last night, in flood of tears, Dad was after taking a turn and proposing to a widow from the Pouladuff Road. (Don’t ask me how she even got in the door.) I rushed down and told the woman that I’m one of the leading solicitors in the city, but didn’t she just sit there in her Dunnes Stores cardigan and say, “We do be at it like Kinsale people, boy.” She’s clearly after him for the money. How can I persuade Dad to think again?
— Edward, Blackrock Road, he can’t really remember me.
Isn’t he lucky? My neighbour is an expert in old people, we call him Patrick the Geriatric. I said, do old people just pretend to have an interest in sex in the hope they’ll get invited on the Ray D’Arcy Show for a segment called ‘At It In Your Eighties?’ He said, yes. (I knew it.)
Guten Tag. I am planning my Easter break in Ireland and see a TripAdvisor poll which lists your top 10 beaches. Five of them are in Kerry and only one of is in Cork. Therefore it is clear to me that I should go to Kerry instead of Cork, because it would be irrational for me to do otherwise, and people might suspect I was something of an Italian. However, I am nothing if not fair, so would like to offer you the opportunity to make the case for three days in Cork.
— Jurgen, Hamburg, there is a special prize if you can make a one-word case against Kerry.
Ballybunion. What do I win? Don’t pay any attention to these traveller polls. They are usually based on photographs – the problem with a photo of Kerry is that while it might look nice, it doesn’t really capture the price gouging or over-whelming smell of Lynx Yerra Give Us A Shag.
Hi girl, I’m the top social media influencer in Ireland measured by the number of my followers who don’t realise I secretly despise them for being a complete shower of #sheep, do you know that kind of way? I’m free this weekend, after getting the bullet from my cousin’s wedding because they’re too mean to pay the €500 I charge anyone who wants to appear in a photo with me. #Bargain. So like, do you know anyone who wants me to come and big-up whatever shit they’re trying to flog on Instagram?
— @YouSoWishLike, Bishopstown and Monte Carlo, my friends would call me Fiona.
If you had any. My nephew got an job in event management as we’re nearing full employment. I said, where do you stand on influencers? He said, usually on their toes, it stops them from going down the living-my-best-life-by-posting-a- photo-of-my-toes-on-a-sunlounger route. (He’d thought it through, in fairness.)
C’mere, what’s the story with soap-dodgers. I’ve started seeing this gorgeous wan at work, but there do be such a bang off of her, you’d swear she was from Midleton. I said, c’mere this is awkward now like, but there do be a bang off of ya. She said, I only take one shower a week to save the planet and you need to do the same if you want to keep seeing me and now that I think about it, you should share that shower with me. Do you think she means that in a sexy way or what like?
— Dowtcha Donie, Blackpool.
I’ve been there. I once went out with a hippy from Killarney once, he smelled like the toilets after Curry Night in the Danny Mann. I said, would you like to take a shower with me? He said, I adore your filthy mind, it’s full of life. I said, so is your hair. #Tears OfAHippy
Hi. I upgraded to LinkedIn Premium yesterday to see how many of my exes are stalking me online. Four as it turns out, and I’ve better a job (doctor) than all of them, total score. That said, one of them is after ageing really well. I broke it off with him because of his asymmetric ears, but you’d hardly notice now because he looks like Kenneth Branagh without the smugness. I’m afraid to date-down in case I get kicked out of the WhatsApp group, Douglas Women in Favour of Separate Toilets for Norries. His profile says he is an Energy Transformation Facilitation Executive. Is that suitable for a doctor like myself?
— Dr Cliona, Douglas, I’m a doctor.
I’m an Agony Aunt. After reading that, I’m in agony. A snobby friend of mine (Well Road) works in HR. I said, what’s an energy transformation facilitation executive? She said someone in a call centre who can help you switch gas and electricity providers. I said, would he make a suitable life partner for a doctor? She said, do have a number for this doctor. I said why? She said, I’m going to burst my bladder with laughter. Then she started laughing – very organised person.