Ask Audrey: I feel sorry for the TD on the swing, must be awful being in Fine Gael

Hello old stock. There are some scurrilous rumours going around regarding a fall I had in a Cork hotel. It’s going through the courts, so I can’t go into too much detail, but some pup on Twitter claims that I had two pints in me at the time. This is an outrageous thing to say – I am one of the best drinkers in Cork and would never fall over after two pints. I had at least seven pints in me on the night in question, which is the norm when Hoggy and myself go for a quick one after work on Friday. Can you make this clear?

— Reggie, Blackrock, it’s not the compensation, what matters here is the principal, on the loan I need to buy a second house in Crookhaven.

Aren’t you very current, Reggie? I know it’s unpopular, but I feel very sorry for that TD who fell off a swing. Seriously, it must be awful being in Fine Gael. Still, I think she did the right thing dropping the case. Swingers rarely do well in court – unless of course the judge is from Kinsale. #DontIRecogniseYouFromSomeWhere

How’re oo goin’ on? The nephew is coming down from Dublin to stay with us for the week and I’d be lying to you if I said he wasn’t an awful gobshite. Tis terrible to mock your own flesh and blood but he has one of those weird honking DART accents that sounds like a donkey roaring at you with the aid of a megaphone. I’m afraid to let him loose inside in Dunmanway, he’s so ridiculously posh they’ll probably start calling me Dan Paddy Grandy. Is there any way I could turn him into a sound West Cork man before sending him out the door?

— Dan Paddy Andy, take a left outside Dunmanway until you see a man wearing protective ear-muffs.

My life coach has a podcast to help posh Dublin guys get by in West Cork, it’s called We Couldn’t Give Two Shites You Went to School with Cian Healy. I asked her, is there a word that describes the way West Cork is over-run with honking nouveau riche Dublin types during the summer? She said, Schull.

Ciao. Thanks to advances in technology I can now use bots to operate my Tinder and Instagram accounts and as a result I finally have the time to accumulate 14 girlfriends here in Cork. I hear they are putting up a statue to me in my home town near Bologna, looking tired and yet very happy. My mother will be so proud, while encouraging to marry at least one of them, she is very traditional. My latest girlfriend is from the Model Farm Road and has invited me to spend a week with her in Barley Cove. The problem is she insists on pronouncing it Borley Cove. Why does she do this thing?

— Gino, St Lukes, what are you wearing?

Your shirt the next morning, the way they do in movies. This is clearly a question for the Posh Cousin. I said, why do Model Farm Road people pronounce the beach as Borley Cove? She said, sorry to correct you but it’s actually pronounced Model Form Road. I said, ok, why do they do it? She said, to make it clear they’re not from Bishopstown. #Shame

Hey girl. I’m one of the most down to earth guys in Ballintemple, measured by the number of times I say “How’s it going girl” to our maid, because we are todally equal, ya. Anyway, I was cycling to samba band practise last night, when this 191 C Mercedes cut me up at the lights on the Blackrock Road and I’m todally, “Posh nob wrecking our planet” and he’s todally, “Ed man, it’s Bryan with a y, we used to sit next to each other in Pres” and I’m todally “Hey, Bryan with a y man, keep it down, the hippy chick I like from the Samba Band is just over there, she todally heard you”. So, I asked her out later and she said she’s washing her hair. Is this because I went to Pres?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

I read this out to my dating expert friend, Straight Talking Sandra. She said, that’s the funniest thing I ever heard. I said, what? She said, a hippy washing her hair. #Imagine

So I’m the top social media influence in the world right now based on how excited I get on Instagram opening a box of shelf-stable probiotics sent to me by a PR agency. #NailTheDay #SooooExcited Anyway, I’ve todally fallen in love with this guy, I know it must be real because he only has 2,000 Instagram followers. #Low. So he’s running the marathon this weekend and wants me to come cheer him on in Ballyphehane, because that’s when he hits the wall, but I’d be allerge if one of my posh followers spotted me and thought I was a local. Can I say no way boy?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross

Fascinating. I never realised Turners Cross types get a buzz out of life because they’re not from the Hane. That’s a lot like boasting you’re the most stylish woman in Boherbue.

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