Ask Audrey: How could you possibly love someone from the midlands?

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

My 11-year-old, Ralph, is after developing a social conscience. (What were we thinking, sending him to Ashton?)

Anyway, instead of giving Christmas presents this year, he wants us to do something called ‘giving back’.

Bear with me — he actually wants us to deliver Christmas dinner to deserving Norries.

We all know where this leads, it’s only a matter of time before he arrives home with a shop assistant from Mahon and says, meet the mother of your grand-kids.

Is there any way I can nip this in the bud?

— Monica, Blackrock Road, he didn’t get any of this from me.

Lucky boy. As it turns out I have an answer for you.

My lefty son Cian turned around one day and said he wants to give back. I said grand, give back your iPad.

He got such fright he went and joined Young Fine Gael. #ByeByeLefty

Myself and Tamsin were warming down in the River Lee Hotel Gym the other day, trying to see who could be first to name all the personal shopper girls in Brown Thomas. (In Dublin, there’s no point in making these things too easy.)

She then posed a very interesting question — which of the pantos, Opera House or Everyman, is more likely to be Norry free?

As she said herself, what’s the point in driving into the panto in a Range Rover, only to sit next to a 33-year-old grandmother from Togher, in a see-through jumpsuit.

So, Opera House or Everyman?

— Rubes, Sunday’s Well.

I checked with my Posh Cousin. She said the officer class in Cork are staying well clear of the panto this year. I said why?

She said two reasons — first, the Opera House has Aladdin and you know the way Norries like a good carpet. (#AndLino.) I said go on.

She said the Everyman isn’t safe either. I said why. She said, Cinderella, cleaning-girl marries well, the Norries will be all over that like a cheap suit.

Hello old stock. Great news, I’ve completed my Respecting Diversity Going Forward training, which has totally changed my attitude towards what I like to call the fairer sex.

It’s fair to say I’ve made inappropriate advances in the workplace, so to show them I’ve turned a corner, I’d like to buy drink all night for every woman at the Christmas party, without hitting on one of them (unless they want me to.)

How much do you think this will cost?

— Reggie, Blackrock, I have a small problem with my finances at the min.

I’m sorry to hear that Reggie, such a shame it isn’t bigger. (I’d say you’ve heard that more than once.)

The Sultan of Brunei would be slow to buy drinks for a room full of Cork women this Christmas — half of us are chemically addicted to craft gin, he’d end up having to sell one of his yachts.

Also, watch how you describe women. We were discussing sexist terms at the tennis club the other day, when someone asked me what I thought of ‘fairer sex’. I said I wouldn’t mind some.

(At least My Conor is faster than Usain Bolt at one thing.)

C’mere, what’s the story with Baldy going to Malta?

I’m after booking a week for myself and the old doll as her Christmas present. My best friend Baldy, there for me through tick and tin, wants to come with us and bring his old doll, because they do hate each other and never go on holidays by themselves.

The problem there is that my old doll do be allergic to Baldy because he’s from Churchfield and he only eats chicken nuggets.

So, I’m going to do a name change on the ticket, bring Baldy to Malta and buy two magnums of Aldi prosecco for the old doll.

Is that sly?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

It’s as sly as telling your little sister she’s adopted and originally from Mullingar.

She couldn’t stop crying so I said, don’t be ridiculous sis, Mum and Dad still love you.

She said, no Audrey, they don’t. I said why.

She said, how could you possibly love someone from the midlands?

#GameOver

Ciao. I have received some fantastic news.

The sports and social club have announced the Christmas party will be fancy dress, so I have decided to go as a number of different people.

This will allow me to attend the party with the three beautiful women I am dating at work, without starting an ugly row between girlfriend one, girlfriend two, or my wife.

Please suggest at least five costumes, which gives me the headroom to flirt with two other women, should the need arise, which it will.

— Jean Luca, Genoa and Glanmire, can I have your phone number?

Yes. A sleepless night with a gorgeous Italian man into role-play has always been a fantasy of mine, as well as a reality, twice, when I was Interrailing.

Happy days — is it any wonder I get a bit turned on every time I get on a train, unless of course it’s going to Cobh.

(There’s a limit to everything.)


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