People often complain that today’s fashions are the most diabolical we’ve ever encountered, but whoever believes that clearly never lived through the Eighties.
The decade that gave us culture-defining music like Pink Floyd’s The Wall, technology like the Sega Mega Drive and cartoons like ThunderCats, also spawned some pretty heinous style trends we’re more than happy to pretend we never partook in.
Read them and thank your lucky stars social media was still but a twinkle in Silicon Valley’s eye…
Thanks to Jane Fonda and her cult aerobics videos, spandex became the material of choice for fashion-forward folk. The favoured look was an outrageously high cut leotard, worn over skin-tight leggings to protect the wearer’s modesty while still giving the illusion of a shapely physique.
It could have been a cute look, had it not been for the clunky dad trainers and thick white sports socks we so often paired it with.
Every decade seems to have its own aesthetic, and for the Eighties, it was the Memphis design. The Memphis Group, an Italian collective, were responsible for the garish, geometric patterns and abstract shapes that were liberally plastered on everything from bedding and stationery, to clothing.
It meant everything you owned didn’t really ‘go’ with anything else, and had this busy, hypnotic look that was incredibly distracting to look at.
The silhouette of the decade for women could be described as this: an upside-down triangle. Shoulder pads added some va-va-voom to a boring skirt suit in a way that nobody was prepared for. If you paired yours with a freshly done perm, a waist belt and some kind of beret, we salute you.
This hair-raising trend claimed many a celebrity back in the day, including Tina Turner, who is expertly displaying the look here. Even to this day, we’re not sure of the engineering that went behind keeping the Eighties mullet levitating at several inches above the wearer’s head, but we’re pretty confident it involved several cans of hairspray.
Lace fingerless gloves were the marker of any teenage girl who’d watched Desperately Seeking Susan – and desperately wanted to be Madonna. Sure, they weren’t the warmest of items, but they were the easiest, effort-free way to add some edge to your outfit. Plus, you could still tuck into a packet of crisps without having to remove them. Genius.
For some baffling reason, there was a major trend in the Eighties for looking like you were ready to go on a ski holiday at a moment’s notice. Shell suits were everywhere and there was no limit to the amount of neon you could wear. What it lacked in style, it made up for in practicality – the wipe clean material meant you were always prepared for a turn in the weather, or any falling detritus from birds.
It’s crazy to think we used to leave the house wearing a bowler hat and nobody questioned what was happening. Your bog standard Charlie Chaplin tribute might be alright if left alone, but we went to town with reams of crushed velvet and synthetic flowers, so it legit looked like we were wearing an Easter bonnet to work. Cringe.
Eighties kids always hit pan on their eyeshadow palettes because they had a lot of ground to cover. While today’s make-up influencers carefully blend and buff a subtle swipe of neutral colour on the upper lid, we went to town with a grubby index finger and a pot of electric blue war paint. A beauty look that’s best left to the history books.
Door knockers were everywhere – big, plastic earrings that weighed your lobes down, slapped you in the face if you turned too suddenly and always got caught in your perm.
But this was nothing compared to the struggles of those unfortunate souls whose parents hadn’t allowed them to get their ears pierced, so had to resort to clip on versions that tortured your ears and left your raw lobes feeling they were competing in some kind of miniature World’s Strongest Man competition.
Still, we get a warm wave of nostalgia when we think about the sweet relief of running to the bathroom for a secret unclipping session, halfway through the day.