Ask Audrey: Should I be worried that my fiancee is googling ‘Discreet STD clinics in Cork?’

Hi!! Totally hi, now like!! I’m the leading Instagram influencer in Cork, measured by the number of my followers who haven’t noticed that I am passionate about three different brands of protein bar.I’m getting married next month, it’s not Castlemartyr because they wouldn’t take payment in samples of organic lip balm. Anyway, I’m currently driving around every Aldi in Cork buying the wine, but I don’t want the bottles to appear on the table in my Instagram posts, in case my minion followers think I’m just like them. Ha! So like, where could I get 100 empty bottles of expensive wine to pour these into? 

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo

My uncle is a vintage wine expert, that’s what they call a borderline alcoholic on the Model Farm Road. I said, where would a person find 100 empty bottles of expensive wine. He said, try my glass bin. I said, I think you might have a problem. He said, damn right I have a problem Audrey, they only collect it every four weeks and it’s over-flowing after two.

Should I be worried that my fiancee is googling ‘Discreet STD clinics in Cork?’ I had a sconce at his phone last night after he came back from his stag party in Hamburg, and that was in his browsing history, along with ‘what is the German for I do be in love with your eyes’. Honest to God, this doesn’t set any alarm bells ringing, but in fairness my mother always said my judgement was so bad I’d probably end up buying a house in Greenmount. Do you think I’m being a bit of an eejit?

— Jacqui, Greenmount, I know, but it’s handy for town.

This is one for my friend, Believing Belinda. (She’s still gullible enough to wear Michael Jackson t-shirts.) I told her about your fiancee. She said that’s really tragic. I said, why? She said, he sounds lovely, I wish he was engaged to me. Then she did a moonwalk. #JesusWept

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of senior Conservatives, where we re-enacted the Battle of Trafalgar dressed as sexy air hostesses. Huzzah!. Anyway, Horseface Huffington-Price tells me that the game is up for Britain and it is high time I got myself an EU passport by marrying one of you filthy Micks. As a member of the aristocracy, I’d favour a plain, sensible nymphomaniac who doesn’t mind being trapped in a loveless marriage. Is there an easy way to find one of those in Cork?

— Tiggy D’Tax-Fiddler, London.

I’d marry you myself but I’ve become weirdly attached to My Conor in recent days. (Top tip, never buy cheap furry handcuffs on the internet.) Anyway, this is a task for the Posh Cousin. I said, what’s the fastest way to find out if someone is a plain, sensible nymphomaniac who’d do anything for money. She said, ask if they’re from Mallow.

C’mere, what’s the story with hating primary school teachers at this time of year? My brother married this teacher one from Millstreet there, when there was nothing stopping him getting a nice old Norry. Your one is hot enough in fairness, but it’s clear she’s spent a lot of time around married cousins, do you know that kind of way. Anyway like, she do be in my face now saying she needs two weeks off at Easter doing nothing, so she can prepare for two months holidays in the summer, also doing nothing. How can I get her to stop?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, this couldn’t be worse.

Unless you had kids. I’m going to have two little moany faces around me for the next fortnight, saying it’s a bit early for my first gin and tonic. Anyway, my cousin became a teacher but don’t let that put you off. I said, how can Dowcha Donie cope with this provocation? He said, it’s time people listened to teachers and understood what they are really saying. I said, that’s a non-runner, she’s from Millstreet. #DoubleDutch

We’re planning summer here already and we’re signing the kids up for Cúl Camp, it’s important to give our au pair a week-off, so she can get started putting tarmacadam on our drive. #CostEfficient. My only problem is the turquoise tops they give out at these camps. They give them out to all sorts, with no regard to the annual disposable income of the parents. (Six figures.) I can’t have Hugo and Blaithín walking around Ballintemple, looking like their father works in some kind of depot. I was thinking of sewing a photo of them sailing in Kinsale onto the tracksuit top, probably with gold thread. What do you reckon?

— Monica, Ballintemple, I’m known for my under-stated good taste.

Where, in Las Vegas? That idea is as tasteful as an all-you-can-eat buffet at a hunger-strike commemoration. My aunt is Vice President of Keeping Up Appearances in Douglas Golf Club. I said, what does a new Cúl Camp top say in Ballintemple. She said, my parents couldn’t afford to bring me to Sardinia. #ChildPoverty

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