Q: Hey, I’m part of a WhatsApp group called ‘Blackrock Babes Who Turn Heads In Schull Every Summer (And Know It)’ — the competition is white-hot this week with everyone talking about the new Center Parcs in Longford.
Deirdre19cBMW is the current leader, she booked the top lodge for a month and 5 grands worth of outdoor activities for her 6 month old son. (Bitch, but fair play.)
The only problem is the location — CiaraHouseInCrookhaven said she didn’t even realise Longford is an actual place until she saw Maura on Love Island. It’s outrageous to expect Posh Cork to trek all the way up there to show off our hard-earned bank balance.
Can we get a Center Parc in Cork?
— Monica, Blackrock, one on the Centre Park Road would be ideal in many ways.
A: My cousin has a thriving travel agency because there are still people out there who don’t know how to use the internet. I said, what would you say to Posh Cork show-offs who are forced to trek up to Longford for a month? She said, any chance you could make it two months. #GiveUsAllABreak
Q: Now listen up Paddy. My old school chum Boris Johnson Esq got in touch last night and asked me to organise a charm offensive trip to your little republic.
We can’t afford Dublin (the prices are rather out of our reach now that Sterling is in the toilet) so I was thinking we might try Cork.
I’m sure it will be a delightful visit as long as you keep the women indoors because Boris gets very excited when he spots a filly.
Could you tell your Lord Mayor we’ll be over around three?
— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, vast tracts of Yorkshire.
A: My neighbour thinks he knows everything about politics (we don’t have the guts to tell him about his wife’s ‘current affair’). I said, Boris Johnson is coming to Cork. He said, why? I said, they’re calling it a charm offensive. He said, that’s half right.
Q: C’mere, what’s the story with drinking your head off on a bank holiday?
I met this nobby wan on Facebook group called Shag a Norry, where girls called FiFi go to meet fit mechanics for meaningless sex.
Anyway, things took a turn with the latest FiFi who said she’d like to see me with my clothes on. I thought this would be some kind of kinky thing they do be up to in Kinsale, but it turns out she wants to go on the piss with me.
I said game ball, I’ll meet you at 1pm in town on Monday and we’ll take if from there. She said drinking your head off on a Bank Holiday is totes Norry. (That’s the way she do talk.) I said why? She said, who wants to have a terrible hangover at work. I said, me!!
Does this mean we are totally incompatible?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.
A: My niece is doing a thesis on class and alcohol, titled ‘Oh, So That’s Who Drinks Carling’. I said what’s the etiquette for well-bred people when it comes to drinking on a Bank Holiday. She said, I buy you a drink, you buy me one back and we keep going until it’s time for Hillbilly’s. (I’m thinking of becoming an academic.)
Q: So, I’m the leading social meda influencer in Munster but I never got an invitation to Center Parcs in Longford last weekend (#MixUp).
As a result I spent three days dry-crying and trying to pretend I was happy to be at the opening of a garden centre in north Cork. #JesusChrist.
Luckily my sister married a dentist (plain looking, great earner, unlike her husband) and didn’t she book me a consolation week there in September. #Blessed.
All I need now is a few kids to bring with me so I don’t look like I live in Weirdoville - they need to be posh, gorgeous and capable of entertaining themselves on an iPad when I don’t need them for a photo-shoot #MagicMoment #Making Memories. Any takers?
— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.
A: This is one for the Posh Cousin. I said, where would I find posh looking kids who are used to entertaining themselves between staged Instagram photos? She said, on the Rochestown Road. #Hilaire
Q: We booked a month in the south of France because my bitchy sis thinks she’s Meghan Markle with her new Volkswagen 4x4.
She couldn’t hide her devastation when I told her our Riviera news because she’s had this quiver in her upper lip since childhood that basically says “No tears but we all know I’m dying inside”. #TotalScore
The problem is my three year old son has been trying to ruin my holiday ever since we got off the plane in Nice. Basically, he’s homesick even though we only live in Charleville. #YouMustBeJoking
When I pushed him on it he says he misses his dinosaurs and being so close to county Limerick. Is this some kind of medical condition?
— Lorraine, Charleville.
A: My best friend is an expert in toddler behaviour. (She watches videos of Boris Johnson on a loop.) I said what in the world could make someone homesick for Charleville. She said, ten minutes in Mallow. #NoWonderSheEarnsTheBigBucks