Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages
Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy are over in Coventry for the Munster match, pinting away like madmen. I know it sounds harsh coming from a handsome multi-millionaire like myself, but I genuinely think this dump looks like Dunmanway after it was hit by an asteroid. When Hoggy told a very common bird he had a forty footer last night, she said “whip it out and give us proof, luv.” (Most people here have never seen a yacht.) It’s time for European rugby to man-up and admit they are wrong to ask well-bred types like myself and Hoggy to visit England’s answer to Longford for a rugby semi-final. Could you have a word in the right ear?
— Reggie, Blackrock.
I went out with a prop forward from Christians once called No Neck Nick. (It wasn’t his only shortage, says you.) I rang him there and said, No Neck Nick, why do Munster fans put up with travelling to total sh**hole towns for big matches. He said, because they’re still a step-up for the Limerick crowd. #Harsh.
I know this is going to sound crazy now, but is there any way you could hire an au pair in town by the hour, in the same way you get a free bike. I’m failing to live my best life this week with the smallies out of school, but it’s nothing that can’t be solved by spending €1,500 in Brown Thomas and posting the receipt on Instagram. So like, would be be possible to have a row of young Spanish girls on a kind of an au pair rank so I pick one to mind my little horrors for the hour?
— Monica, Sunday’s Well.
I rang City Hall there and asked about your au pair rank. The guy said, I can’t think of anything more disgraceful in the city centre. I said, except for building a huge wall along the quays just in case we want to look at the river. #LoveTheLee
C’mere, I live in a terraced house, we’re very close, I’d know all the neighbours’ children from the moment of conception, too much detail girl. Anyway, Mrs Murphy died last month, from acute nosiness probably, and her house next to ours just went sale agreed. (€236,500 without contents, you didn’t hear it from me now like.) The new neighbours aren’t hanging around and there was a van for ACME SoundProofers outside this morning. I asked the boy what’s going on and he said they’re sound-proofing the bedroom. (He said most of their business is in Kinsale.) So like, do you think my new neighbours might be pervs?
— Mandy, Blarney Street.
My niece did a Masters in Sexual Deviance, the hot lecturer had amazing punishments if any of her assignments were late. #Always. I told her your story and said why would anyone sound-proof their bedroom? She said, to dampen the sobbing because you’ve been forced to live on Blarney Street.
Gday, girl! I’m home there from Australia, I went out there on my year around the world with Shorty in two thousand and wan, and never came home like, you know yourself. Anyway, I do have loads of money now and me Mam is on to me to buy a nice house, because her sister’s kids never made anything of themselves, and she do be dying to stick the knife in. So, I seen this thing that there were people queueing overnight for the chance to buy a house in Ballincollig during the week. Sorry now like, but when I was growing up, wanting to live in Ballincollig was a sign that something had gone drastically wrong in your life. So, is Cork officially gone mad now or what?
My brother-in-law is an estate agent, his company motto is ‘Lying to the People of Cork since 1987.’ He has it up over the door of his office and everything but people still go in. #HousingCrisis. I said, why do people want to live in Ballincollig. He said, it’s either that or an old folks’ home. I said, do you mean Bishopstown. He said, exactly.
Like totally hi now like. I’m the leading social media influencer in Cork measured by the number of followers who know deep down I’m a complete wagon but still can’t stop looking at my Instagram Stories. I had a brand NCT the other day, where my guru Digital Denis said I’m doing grand in terms of posting stuff from the back of a taxi on the way to a glamorous opening which is full of other influencers, but I need to work on my likeability. #Whatevs, Digital Denis. So like, I need to do a photo-shoot with a charity that doesn’t involve working with kids, dog or old people. #TheBangOffThem. Could you put me in touch please?
— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo, I’d do it for free.
My neighbour does a lot of charity work, she loves the opportunity to lecture poor people. I said do you know any organisation that would love a new figurehead? She said, try the FAI. #Current.